A Professional footballer is quite accustomed to the fact that if he takes off his shirt while celebrating a goal, he will be penalized with a yellow card. There are several other regulations related to improper goal celebrations and in light of a recent incident, the Goal Celebration Committee (GCC) has decided to introduce some new rules to add to the existing ones.
1.1 – A player who decides to run towards the opposition fans and celebrate his goal will be shown a yellow card, regardless of his motives/intentions.
Being a footballer, the player’s first task after scoring a goal is to locate where the opposition fans are seated. Once the problem area is identified, the player should dash away from them, as fast as they can.*
Our research analysts have come to the conclusion that it will be virtually impossible for people in the crowd to throw their missiles accurately over a distance of 100 metres. So in other words, we have determined that for their own safety, players should be 100 metres away from the opposition fans before they start celebrating.
If the referee feels that a player is not the safe distance away, it is well within his rights to caution the player.
The GCC is well aware that concerns have been raised by certain players regarding the fact that their fans and team-mates might consider sprinting away from the opposition fans as a form of cowardice.
If that is the case, then we wholeheartedly sympathize with the player concerned but it must be emphasized that this should be considered as part and parcel of being a modern day footballer. The player has got to accept this and learn to live with it.
* If the player can sprint like Theo Walcott, this shouldn’t be a problem. However, if he is more like Dimitar Berbatov, the GCC would recommend him to work with a specialist like Usain Bolt (who has recently taken time off, to provide valuable advice to footballers).
1.2 – If a player slides down on his knees and throws his arms up in the air while in front of the opposition fans, he will be shown a yellow card.
This is considered to be gross misconduct and such behaviour will not be tolerated. It should be noted that the crowd must always be shown respect, regardless of the circumstances.
A player should always keep in mind that the crowd has paid for tickets to get inside the stadium and this acts as a sort of lease agreement, whereby the fans are given temporary ownership of the stadium for two hours. As part of this agreement they have been granted certain privileges like shouting obscenities at the players.
If a player decides to celebrate in the aforementioned way, it will be considered as a form of retaliation towards the opposition fans** and the player will have to suffer the consequences as a result.
** This is considered as retaliation because the player’s action implies that he is trying to get back at the fans by suggesting something like: “you abused me long enough, now look I have scored a goal against your team.” That is just rude and disrespectful to the audience. The GCC would like to firmly remind players that as role models, they should not act in such ways.
NOTE: If a player violates both Rule 1.1 and 1.2 he will be shown two consecutive yellow cards (meaning a red card) and hence will be dismissed from the pitch.
For more information and assistance: Contact Emmanuel Adebayor, who is currently facing the music for performing the improper stunts mentioned above and he has now promised never to repeat the same mistakes again.
Moreover, to rectify his mistakes he has decided to give something back to the society and will be more than willing to help out anyone who has this ‘improper celebration’ syndrome.
Besides the professional advice of Mr.Adebayor, the GCC would also like players to consider the following remedies to get rid of this ‘improper celebration’ condition:
Robotic Dancing – As mentioned earlier, crowds have every right to abuse players and this shouldn’t be a problem because while on the pitch, players are supposed to act like robots, deprived of all human emotions.
Therefore, the best and probably the most rational way to celebrate after scoring a goal will be to dance around like a robot. We strongly recommend this type of celebration because not only is it a proper way to celebrate but it is also a form of art, which will only help to enhance the beautiful game.
For further assistance: Consult Peter Crouch, who is a perfectionist when it comes to robotic dancing and will be happy to impart his vast knowledge regarding the subject matter, to interested individuals.
Silencing the Crowd – A player can celebrate by putting a finger to his mouth and thereby gesture to the crowd to keep quiet. This might seem disrespectful to the audience and in a way it is certainly provocative but after debating the issue in our board meeting, we have decided to allow players to celebrate in such a way (the reasons are kept confidential and will not be divulged to the general public).
For further assistance: Consult Andrei Arshavin who is a specialist at silencing the crowd, after scoring a goal.
(This is written just for fun and it is not intended to offend fans or the athletes mentioned in the piece. Also the ‘Goal Celebration Committee’ doesn’t exist in the real world and this is purely a work of fiction.)