Breaking News: Panthers Drop Miller Lite As Beer Sponsor (Satire)

Ben AikeyCorrespondent ISeptember 15, 2009

CHARLOTTE, NC - SEPTEMBER 16: Owner/Founder Jerry Richardson of the Carolina Panthers looks on before the game against the Houston Texans at Bank of America Stadium on September 16, 2007 in Charlotte, North Carolina. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

As announced by team owner Jerry Richardson early this morning, the Carolina Panthers have dropped Miller Lite as their corporate beer sponsor.

“It’s been a good run, but after what happened Sunday, drastic measures had to be taken,” said Richardson during the press conference.

“It was a bad loss, and to return to the top of the NFC, we feel it’s time to go in another direction in terms of cold, refreshing post-game brew. It’s all Miller Lite’s fault that we lost to the Eagles. I mean come on; it’s spelled L-I-G-H-T, not L-I-T-E. Get hooked on phonics already.”

According to head coach John Fox, after the successful opening drive that culminated in an 11-yard touchdown rush by DeAngelo Williams, the entire offensive line and stable of quarterbacks proceeded to shotgun two cases of Miller Lite, which clouded their judgment for the rest of the game.

When asked who the new beer sponsor of the Panthers would be, Richardson hinted towards Budweiser, “The King of Beers,” though some expect the Panthers to support the local Carolina Beer and Beverage Co., makers of Carolina Blonde and the Cottonwood series.

The new sponsor will reportedly have to pay off the rest of Jake Delhomme’s contract in order to get Carolina a quarterback with a QB rating (and blood alcohol level) above zero.

When reached for his opinion on the matter, I couldn’t understand a word Delhomme had to say (due to his thick Cajun accent), but he did seem to utter something about Bojangles.

Other leaked details about the deal involve the company’s head brewmaster getting to call plays on offense for all Panthers games not played at 1:00 pm on Sundays, which didn’t seem to bother offensive coordinator Jeff Davidson, as he doesn’t really do anything anyway.

More details to come in the following days.