Bud Selig Overthrown in Bloody Coup; Indians Lose Close One

On a day when Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was held at gunpoint and beaten with the butt of a gun in his Park Avenue offices, the Cleveland Indians lost another nail-biter in extra innings to the struggling Texas Rangers.

After the 10 inning loss, an obviously testy C.C. Sabathia was asked about his reaction to the news that Selig and two of his staff members were still in the throes of a violent takeover in New York City.

"All you guys ever want to talk about is New York," said the sulky starter. "We just lost another close one out there, the guys in this locker room are reeling, and you have the nerve to ask me about New York? Seriously."

The Tribe, a team thought by many fans and media outlets to be a contender for the American League Pennant this year, has been unable to get anything going at the plate.

Manager Eric Wedge was asked if Selig's apparent abduction by the Sandlot-inistas, a Latin American organization listed by the United Nations as a covert baseball league and possible terrorist cell, would have any impact on his club's struggling offense.

The whiskered skipper thought about it only for a moment before deadpanning, "It can't hurt."

Selig, who had escaped from his captors long enough to dial 911 and alert emergency paramedics to the number of injured staff members in the building, did not comment on the Indians' difficult season or on their prospects for getting into the postseason.

"That's fine," said Grady Sizemore when informed of the current commissioner's apparent snub.

"The guys in this locker room don't care what anybody else does or doesn't say. We're going to shake out of this, and when we do, whoever the new commissioner is will have to take notice."