Red Wings-Penguins: Welcome to the Jungle, It Ain't Fun and Games

To recreate the feeling Pens fans had while watching this game, have someone punch you in the head fifty times Then, take all your clothes off, and belly-flop off the roof of your shed into a pile of pine needles.

Everything about this game was frustrating. From the Pens deciding to not shoot the puck for the final two periods, to Mike Emrick's love affair with Kronwall.

Recap

Things didn't look good for the Pens before the puck was even dropped. Fleury did a face plant onto the ice as he led the team out of the locker room. They should have threw in the towel right then and there.

The first period consisted of Mike Emrick educating us on the family/medical/work history of every player on the ice. Who cares, it's a hockey game.

The Penguins had fifty-seven power plays in the first period, but couldn't make anything happen.

The Wings thought they had scored the first goal of the game, but the NHL is fixed for the Penguins, so the goal was waived off.

Instead of the momentum shifting toward the Pens after the disallowed goal, the Wings just got pissed off and dominated the rest of the game. Thanks, Devorski.

The Red Wings dominated the first fifteen minutes of the game, but the Pens showed some life at the end of the period. Neither team could get on the board, technically, and the first period ended 0-0.

The Wings opened the second period with four of the best consecutive shifts I've ever seen. Yeah, they're a good hockey team.

Finally, some guy who supposedly used to play for the Pens, Mikael Samuelsson, scored an unassisted goal to make it 1-0 Wings. Tyler Kennedy failed to get the puck deep, and turned it over at the red line, ultimately leading to this goal.

Edjoke called it a "rookie mistake." Rookie mistakes don't happen in the Stanley Cup Finals. That was just a terrible play, and Eddie, you are a terrible announcer.

The rest of the second period was harder to sit through than a kindergarten talent show. It finally dragged to an end, still 1-0 Wings.

Before the third period started there was a certain sense of "well, we've been dominated all game long, but we're only down by one goal" amongst Penguins fans.

That feeling would soon be replaced by "I think I'm gonna puke."

Samuelsson once again made Pens' fans rack their brains trying to remember who he was. He played 23 games or something like that for the Penguins. Edjoke acted like he's in our Hall of Fame.

Anyway, he scored again, just two minutes in, off of another Penguins' turnover.

The period continued on, with the Wings dominating, and the Penguins realizing that they had no chance of scoring a goal, let alone winning the game.

Cleary and Zetterjoke added two more goals for the Wings to push the total to four.

The game would end 4-0 Red Wings.

Notes

- For the Penguins, 19 shots on goal just isn't going to cut it.

- Way, way, way too many turnovers for the Pens. The Red Wings aren't the Flyers. You can't turn the puck over to them and expect them to trip over it. They're gonna make you pay.

- Is Detroit's defense really that good, or did the Penguins just suck that bad? Game Two will tell the true tale.

- Mike I'mabigcock is an obnoxious human being. $10 says he is a VERSUS broadcaster before the end of his life.

- Fleury was good, but not great.

- Gary Roberts was a healthy scratch. Adam Hall dressed in his place. That should never happen again.

- 13,000+ fans watching at the Mellon Arena. Rumor has it that three custodians quit claiming that they had never cleaned up more puke in their lives.

- Game Two is Monday, 8:00 on VERSUCKS.