After some intense calculations, the author of this piece has worked out that either Novak Djokovic or Fernando Verdasco will definitely make it as far as the semifinals of this year’s US Open. How does she know this? Let’s just say that a PhD in Advanced Slam Statistics has its uses.
So the time has come to take a quick (and humorous) look at who is the more likely to make it to the final four. Will it be the man who is so hot he can fry sausages on his chest? Or will it be the guy who has more tennis impressions in his repertoire than...well...Andy Roddick.
(Does anyone really care? We all know who is likely to knock them out in the next round. But it’s worth a look anyway.)
The two have met on five previous occasions but that doesn’t matter. No, no, no! There are far more important things to discuss than match records or styles of play.
Let’s take a look at some really important factors that are going to affect this match.
Verdasco Will Win If
Nole spots a cute girl in the audience and decides to impress her by making a balloon poodle, getting his boy band to perform a song with him, displaying an interesting pair of nipple tassels, performing a seal-like trick with his (head) tennis racket and then imitating a scene out of Flashdance. (Nole sure knows how to win us ladies over!)
Verdasco will not even need to hit the ball in this scenario as the umpire is more than likely to penalise Nole after already having given him a time warning over some enthusiastic ball-bouncing before a serve.
Djokovic Will Win If
A large group of girls spot Fernando Verdasco.
Needless to say, if your opponent has left the court with a whole bunch of women, you are pretty much certain to win. Hence Nole should benefit from this situation.
1. Johnny Mac decides that he enjoyed his time in the spotlight on Arthur Ashe stadium with Nole on Monday night so much that he runs out of his commentary box and on to the court. Mac then teams up with Nole to take on Verdasco, who looks seriously miffed and screams "You cannot be serious, no?"
2. Nole looks down the other end of the court and sees a handsome left-handed Spaniard and starts to believe that he is playing Rafael Nadal. When he accidentally looks directly into the bright lights over the stadium, the court begins to look more orange than blue and Nole becomes convinced that it is Rafa on the other side of the net. This will not be good for his mental well-being.
3. Andy Roddick decides to come and watch the match in which many expected him to be playing before American dreams were extinguished by an American. Andy jeopardises proceedings by shouting “Bird Flu!” at the top of his lungs at every change of ends.
4. Verdasco used to date Ana Ivanovic, who is from Serbia, just like Djokovic. The author is not quite sure why she has included this fact, but it sure does feel intangible.
Lines To Look Out For
Djokovic: “Would you like to see my Rafa impression? Or are you more of a Roger girl?”
The outcome of this match is unpredictable. It depends on lots of intangibles. Please see above.