Pittsburgh Penguins Get Biblical in Preparation for Battle for Stanley Cup

Gary Roberts created everything that God disregarded during his seven day dominance of the universe. Then, on May 23, 1966 in North York, Ontario, Gary Roberts came into the flesh.

Today, the man who knows all the answers to "WWGRD?" turns forty-two years old. He is the oldest player on the Penguins' youth-littered roster, and though a case of pneumonia sidelined him for the Eastern Conference Finals, Roberts hopes to get back on the ice to help the Penguins win the Stanley Cup.

Whether he is on the ice or not, Gary Roberts is always a presence...

Just refer to your New American Bible for the proof. 

Deuteronomy 20.
Courage in War. When you go out to war against your enemies and you see sticks and pucks and a team more experienced than your own, do not be afraid of them, for Gary Roberts, who brought you up from the land of Canada, will be with you.

When you are about to go into battle, the coach shall come forward and say to his players: "Hear, O Penguins! Today you are going into battle against your enemies, the Detroit Red Wings. Be not defensively irresponsible nor intimidated by their age. For it is Gary Roberts who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies and give you victory".

Then the fans shall say to the players: "Is there anyone who has not been to Primanti's and not yet had the coleslaw? Let him return there, lest he be wounded in battle and another enjoys it instead.

Is there anyone who has bought their first bottle of Heinz Ketchup and not yet opened it? Let him return home, lest he be wounded in battle and another finishes the leftover french fries.

Is there any woman that Gary Roberts has betrothed and not yet taken her as his wife? There are many, so let us disregard the previous question."

In fine, the fans shall say to the players: "Is there anyone who is afraid and weakhearted? Let him return home, lest he make his fellows as fainthearted as himself and prevent the whole from drinking from the chalice of Lord Stanley."

When the fans have finished speaking to the players, on-ice captains shall be appointed over the team. They shall be appointed in descending order from Captain Sidney Crosby, to assistants Sergei Gonchar and Ryan Malone. Evgeni Malkin shall then be appointed as 'Scary Good'.

Cities of the Enemy. When you march up to attack the city of Detroit, first offer it terms of peace. If it agrees to your terms of peace and opens Joe Louis Arena to you, all fourteen people to be found in it shall serve Gary Roberts in forced labor.

But if it refuses to make peace with you and instead offers you battle, lay a goal-scoring siege to it, and when Gary Roberts delivers it into your hand, put every Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Lidstrom, Franzen, and Rafalski to the ice by delivering thundering body checks.

But in the cities which Gary Roberts is giving you as your heritage, you shall not leave a single soul satisfied with victory. You must beat them all-- the Senators, Rangers, Flyers, Red Wings-- as Gary Roberts has commanded you, lest they teach you to make sub-par hockey offerings as they make to their fans, and you thus sin against Gary Roberts.

On this eve of the Stanley Cup Finals, we pray:

Our Gary, who art in Mellon
 Intimidation be thy game
 The Finals come, thy will be done
 In Motown as it is in Pittsburgh
 Give us this day, our daily check
 And forgive us our 2-minute minors
 But do not forgive those who penalize against us
 And lead us not into Game 7 overtime
 But deliver us our third Cup
 For thine is the Crosby, and the Malkin, and the Fleury
 Forever and ever
 A-Mario.

Let's Go Pens.