I was going to write a politically correct NFL team-by-team analysis. I was going to try to be unbiased and point to the benefits and flaws of each team.
I didn't get very far.
It was only natural that I would, as an unapologetic homer, start with my team, the New England Patriots. After I looked at the Pats' roster and reviewed the preseason games, I looked around the rest of the league. I couldn’t find it in my heart to waste my time trying to think of something nice to say about any other team.
Long ago, my mother told me “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” With that sage advice, I have no choice but to speak about the Patriots' team and taunt the rest.
There are only a handful of teams that have the offensive potential somewhat close to the Patriots. I’ll give you all a hint of what you can expect from the Pats offense.
Watch out for the long ball, the short throw, the screen, and the throws to the flats. That is the Tom Brady effect with multiple and numerous targets.
Yes, I know, your team will try to pressure the quarterback. Look, if Brady is not marching the ball down the field with his arm, then watch out for up-the-middle, in-your-face runs. Or the off-tackle runs and the end runs, all from multiple looks from multiple runners.
How does your team scheme for a player? Which player would they scheme for? How will your team defend everything?
You’re going to be whining about the Pats running up the score...in the second quarter.
I’ll even go on to say even if everyone on the offensive squad went out onto the field with one arm tied behind their backs, your team will still have to play from behind.
Even if your team was able to build a 21-point lead on the Patriots, are you sure that will be enough to win the day? I’m convinced that it won’t be.
Of course, finding no fault with our offense, your natural course will be to question the validity of the defense. Come on, you're talking about a team guided by a defensive genius.
Honestly, the Patriots defense is going to be serviceable. Yes, there’s been a changing of the guard.
The Pats traded Mike Vrabel away and then our beloved Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi retired. We all hung our heads, but only for a moment.
When Bruschi announced his retirement, I can only imagine that perhaps he looked around the locker room at the defensive crowd that the Pats have amassed this year and decided that he was leaving his team in pretty good hands.
The defense will not have to be in the league's top 10. It only has to be decent in the beginning, with steady improvement through the season.
Notice I did say something nice.
It’s just when you are getting flushed and chased from sideline to sideline, by bovine huge defensemen and speedy quick linebackers and safeties, it’s hard to hit the other moving targets to make those 14 points that you need just to catch back up.
I’m the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, and I will be more than willing to take it on the chin if I am proven wrong.
Pick a Sunday, any Sunday—hell, make it any Monday too—and the Patriots are going to stomp your team.