May I Introduce to You...LeGarrette "Lame Duck" Blount

Step aside, Mike "I mock the Maoris with my facial tattoo and I don't even know it because I can care less" Tyson. You're not the only heavyweight capable of making headlines for all the wrong reasons, buddy boy. No, sir.

There's a new badass whose punch can give Wladimir Klitschko a run for his money.

A jobber with a jab that could rival Fedor Emelianenko's when thrown to the lions of the Affliction Anaheim party tour. A person who, through getting some finishing touches in grappling, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and BJ Penn clinics, can give Octagon opponents headaches.

A man with an appetite so big he can eat Boise State football fans for lunch...if only he weren't restrained like the chains that led to Samson's downfall in the days of wine, roses, and antiquity.

His name? LeGarrette "Lame Duck" Blount. While his football career may be short, he has diversified his "wild thugman" potential to the ring.

Tempted to throw Blount under the bus? Foolish. With his right hook, the bus will be scrap heap in one blow before he even gets near it.

As for those who claim his fighting level is over 9,000, make no mistake about it: You are correct. But barely. "Lame Duck"'s fighting level is 9,000.8675309.

Jenny, Jenny, who can you turn to? None other than the Lame Duck himself. He's a hoss that can bust some serious booty.

With his punching ability, Blount puts the POW! back in "power."

According to an unconfirmed source within Don King Promotions, Blount is "...a bad moon rising. Blount is a 6'2", 240-pound beast with a strong chin and jab-uppercut combination that can snap Napoleon Dynamite's head into five pieces and send his eyes out of their sockets.

"We saw how he laid Byron Hout—who has no fighting ability whatsoever and is just Napoleon with extra muscle added on—out to dry, and I can tell you this: He may not be able to graduate from the University of Oregon, but the School of Hard Knocks is ready to give him his MGE degree—the prestigious Master of Getting Even. And that says something."

It sure does.

Klitschko, who was busy training for his next fight, provided a written statement which says, "If [Blount] wants to fight me in a bout in the foreseeable future, I will be more than willing to make him know his place. As always, this is subject to agreements with my promoter and Blount's promoter (assuming he has one).

"Personally, it will be a refreshing experience to face a man of his caliber, although it is not certain whether he has any."

Blount's fighting potential has received notoriety from the WBA, WBC, IBO, UFC, Affliction, and even wrestling organizations like the WWE and New Japan Pro Wrestling, among others.

But for all his promise and possibilities of becoming a fighter after his football days conclude in Eugene, Blount has his detractors.

Floyd Mayweather Jr., the loudmouth who wouldn't even lift a middle finger to a certain Manny Pacquiao if given the opportunity, was skeptical if he would lay half a middle finger to him.

"LeGarrette Blount? Who the [expletive] is that? Are you sure that's his name and not Blunt Cigarette?" asked Mayweather during a recent spree with his latest harem of swingers and roadies. "You gotta be messing with my mind; get out of here!"

When asked of Blount's fighting potential, Chuck Norris—who watched the game on ESPN360—had a more reasonable rationale. "This person is not on the same page as me," he said. "Did you see what he did at the end of that game? It's a 'come-to-no-Christian-end' ordeal.

"My roundhouse kick would make him a celibate minister faster than you can say 'Whoop!' at Texas A&M. And feel free to quote me on that. By the way, can you give me some tips as to who will win the National Championship at Pasadena?"

Nonetheless, it can be agreed that Blount is a pugilistic thug off the radar, readying to give you your comeuppance that people from Florida are known for dishing out.

Lock up your daughters, lock up your wife, lock up the back door, and run for your life. Because if LeGarrette "Lame Duck" Blount is back in town, don't you mess him around.