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Rich Rodriguez Guilty of Much More: A Satirical Look at the Allegations

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Rich Rodriguez Guilty of Much More: A Satirical Look at the Allegations
(Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez has been charged with yet another allegation, this time a much more serious one.

It appears that the death of Michael Jackson was not a result of a lethal mix of pills, but rather, a series of strenuous workouts during a recent stint in Ann Arbor.

In an effort to get back in shape for his 30-city tour, Jackson sought the help of Rodriguez and Michigan strength-and-conditioning coach Mike Barwis.

“I am never pleased with anything. I’m a perfectionist. It’s part of who I am,” Jackson was reported to have said according to a close friend who asked to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions.

Another anonymous source close to the situation told us that Jackson was forced to remain on the track and in the weight room for 12 hours per day, even causing him to miss voice practices and plastic surgery appointments.

It is unclear what the NCAA or the federal authorities will do to Rodriguez, but we suggest a full-out criminal investigation.

Due to the vast amount of wrongdoings by Rodriguez in the past 18 months, we are also looking into tips from anonymous sources alleging that Rodriguez was responsible for rigging the 2000 election of George W. Bush, paying Al-Qaeda to commit the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, and causing the collapse of our economy.

Rodriguez is also said to be holding back President Obama’s healthcare bill, funding pirates off the coast of Somalia and setting fires in California in hopes of burning down the Rose Bowl, since he won’t be playing there anytime soon.

Even more, we suspect Rodriguez of inviting North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il to his house for a barbeque, in which Rodriguez informed Jong-Il of the three locations that would be most devastating to America if a nuclear attack were carried out.

One source, who preferred to remain anonymous, told us that those three targets are Columbus, Ohio, South Bend, Ind. and East Lansing, Mich.

We performed a spot check in East Lansing, home of Michigan State University, and head football coach Mark Dantonio informed us that he would “never give out information that harmed American interests to an evil, radical dictator.”

Come to think of it, we’re not sure if Dantonio was referring to Jong-Il or Rodriguez. 

*In full disclosure, this article was meant to be completely satirical, and not to mislead anyone into thinking that these made-up allegations are true.

I completely support Rich Rodriguez as head coach of Michigan football and believe him when he says that he fully complies with the NCAA rules. I’m not condoning cheating. I’m just saying that I choose to believe Rodriguez over the writers of the article.

This article is not meant to poke fun at coach, but at the way that some in the media think they can use the power of the pen to attack a man with a slanted article and get away with it…that they can use their profession as a platform to push their personal agenda to attack someone else...that they can use anonymous sources that only paint the picture that they want painted...that they can take an honest quote from a couple of freshman players and twist them to fit the agenda they are pushing.

As many have pointed out recently, including ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, the New Republic’s John Chait, the blog Genuinely Sarcastic, as well as several parents of current Michigan players, including Mike Forcier, Fred Roh, Mike Schofield, and Ron Stokes, the reporting on this story reeks of a “witch hunt” and unethical journalism.

The way I see it, the only things that Rodriguez may be guilty of are caring too much about his players, coming off as smug and arrogant to the media, and running a system that doesn't gel with what the previous coach left behind; none of which should be seen as bad things to Michigan alums, fans or parents.

Non-Michigan fans can dislike the guy all you want, but at least respect him.

So my message to Rich Rodriguez is this: you have a lot of us out here that support you and the work you’re putting in to bring Michigan football back to the top.

Things haven’t been easy, but know that you’re not in this alone. The Michigan faithful will show you that this Saturday when you run out of the tunnel shortly before 3:30 p.m.

It’s time to put this story to rest and go all-in for Rich Rodriguez and Michigan football.

A win over Western Michigan would be a great place to start. Go blue!

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