Press release from UEFA Headquarters, 1 September 2009.
UEFA has confirmed new rules and guidelines for retrospective punishment for players who, with the aid of video replays, are found to have deceived the referees, otherwise known as 'simulation'. The following principles will now be applied to all games under UEFA's remit.
1. The player in question must not be British. A less well-known Eastern European player would be preferable.
2. The referee must be unable to perform his duties and fail to make the right decision - otherwise it is a yellow card and the end of the matter.
3. The team fouled against must be Scottish (including the Scottish National Team) and therefore appeal directly to the sentimentality of some senior members of UEFA management.
4. The two-game ban will only apply if the Scottish Football Association and the British media froth at the mouth at the injustice done to their team.
5. The incident in question must not have any bearing on the outcome of the game or tie.
6. Retroactivity in this case means whatever UEFA feels like on any given day.