There’s a certain breed of fan out there—a group very much unlike the rest of us. C’mon football fan, you can name plenty of fans that are like “nails on a chalkboard” to you.
Allow me to go all “Lewis Black” on this blog and explain what I mean, in the form of the top seven types of fans that drive me crazy...**
7. The D-Fence Fan
Signs are a common sight at sporting events. People want to express their right to free speech, show support for their team, or get on TV. I get it—but the next time you're making a sign, how about some creativity?
Signs like "SportsCenter is next" or whatever else...those are getting older than Brett Favre's coming out of retirement parties.
The most annoying of all is the twosome that sits in the stands, one holding up a "D" and the other a fence. At every football game in modern history, you see one of these.
The key here is that this is a joint effort. If your boy has to hit the restroom, you may want to pass the "D" to someone else. If not, well...then you get something even more ridiculous than the concept itself. Yeah, go fence!
6. The Clueless Fan
Ever watched a game with a clueless fan? Trust me, you have. In many cases, the clueless fan is someone we really care about, but that doesn't mean that his/her responses don't drive you less crazy.
These fans ask the most off-the-wall questions—at the most inopportune times. I'm talking about the types of questions that you can't answer, such as, "Hey, why exactly did those refs decide to put black stripes at that particular angle on their sleeves?"
Those questions always throw us off and ALWAYS occur on a fourth-and-goal play with one minute to go in a tie game.
You know it. I know it. Admit it...it spells pain!
5. The Lightweight Fan
I know you have encountered these people at stadiums across the country. In fact, some of you probably have been this person from time to time.
Listen, I'm all for having a few drinks before, after, or during a game, as it sometimes can help enhance the game experience.
In the case of the "Lightweight Fan," this person will have a few at a time, and more unfortunate for you, a few too many. This fan always ends up in your row, and as they're attempting to carry a drink, these fans believe they are sober.
I honestly know the real reason they have to keep going back for more. By the time they sit down, they have two beers that are half full. Half of one is on my lap, and half of the other is on my head—and that really grinds my gears.
4. The Stadium Club Girl
Somebody explain this type of fan to me. How many times have you seen a female show up at a game in high heels and a short skirt? Why?
OK, so from a male's standpoint, it isn't entirely a bad thing—but let's face it, ladies, the men are there to watch their team play. They're fine with having the women around, and most men don't mind a good-looking woman at a ball game with a t-shirt and jeans on; a casual look can be striking too.
The majority of us think you're ridiculous to show up to a game looking like Pacman Jones visited you earlier in the evening—and that's a fact.
3. The "Deer in the Headlights" Fan
This is the type of fan who is doing anything possible to get on camera so they can enjoy their one single minute of fame on television.
What's the obsession with getting on camera anyway? Because by the time this fan gets on screen, they haven't the foggiest idea what to do. In the end, this fan stands there motionless, with a blank stare, almost like a deer in the headlights.
In the end, all the fan can come up with is to hold up his/her finger and whisper, "Number one...we're number one." That's it; that's all they got.
Their team could be ranked 110th in the country in college football, but they're still No. 1 for that moment in time, and I think that's ridiculous.
"We're number one" can take a long walk off a short pier, as far as I'm concerned.
2. The "Glass Is Overflowing" Fan
We all know the type. This person was a cheerleader in a former life, or maybe just a few years prior. The glass is definitely not half empty, but it isn't half full either—it's overflowing. It could be Indiana taking on USC in college football, and this fan is hyping up a 20-point victory by the Hoosiers.
I don't know about you, but this fan makes my eyes roll back into my head, to the point where I'm frightened I can't get them back. I'm fine with having some faint hope when my team is a major underdog, and if the team I'm rooting for can pull it off, it's that much more satisfying.
But this person needs to get a clue.
Please don't tell me how your cupcake squad is going to win the national championship. We don't want to hear it. Someone get some duct tape please...and while you're at it, I could use some Advil, too.
1. The Bandwagon Fans
These fans make life miserable for all of us. It's because of them that we often get accused of being one of their kind.
I'm talking about the bandwagon fan. They sported the Laker hat during the Shaq and Kobe era and the Tim Duncan jersey after. This fan's "sox" were red in 2004 and suddenly white in 2005. In college football, it was Pete Carroll and the Trojans to Tim Tebow and the Gators.
The bandwagon fan's team doesn't perform, and they disappear. They improve, and the fan returns. I loathe you, bandwagon fans...take your wagon elsewhere, and leave the real sports fan alone.
Please chime in and share the types of fans that drive you crazy...
** This is the third version of this blog (previous two were posted by KP on Feb. 27, 2007 and Oct. 7, 2008.)