News: Chicago Cubs Win Lottery! Someone Wants Aaron Heilman!

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News: Chicago Cubs Win Lottery! Someone Wants Aaron Heilman!
(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

In news that can be described as nothing short of depressing to those of us with common sense and eyes that can see, a team claimed Aaron Heilman off waivers from the Chicago Cubs.

What makes that news depressing to those of us who can see and think is that the claim means someone wants Heilman on their baseball team, and that person is getting paid a lot of money to be a general manager.

Where do I sign up to replace that moron?

Heilman, who the Mets shipped out of town last winter on the first and fastest vehicle leaving New York, has been nothing short of awful for the Cubs this season.

Indeed, the Cubs might actually have to include Smokey the Bear in the package with Heilman to whichever team claimed him; somebody's going to have to put out the fires left behind Heilman in his new city.

"The Gas Can," as Heilman has become known in Chicago, will join his fourth organization in 12 months when dealt. Only Seattle, which held his rights for just enough hours to fleece the Cubs for Garrett Olsen and Ronny Cedeno in a trade, was lucky enough to never have him pitch for them. The Mets and Cubs have been left wondering what could have been, and a new team will undoubtedly have lots of angry drunks cursing his name soon.

Heilman is currently 2-3 with a 1.52 WHIP and 4.55 ERA for the Cubs. He has eight holds and six blown saves, and has allowed 29 earned runs in only 57.1 innings. Opponents are hitting .308 against Heilman with runners in scoring position, and .471 with the bases loaded.

Translation: Heilman's an ineffective pitcher.

And now he'll take his act to a new city...unless Cubs GM Jim Hendry makes another mistake in 2009 and doesn't allow him to walk out the door.

My advice for Heilman: don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Adios!

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