BOSTON - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Boston Red Sox SP Jon Lester’s no-hitter on Monday night was amended with an asterisk. The Red Sox hurler successfully pitched nine full innings for the win without giving up a hit, which under normal circumstances is defined as a no-hitter. However, the gem occurred against the famously second-rate Kansas City Royals.
The Elias Sports Bureau is the primary statistical service for most major media sources. Elias compares Lester’s no-hitter with the likes of Randy Johnson’s June 26, 2005, outing against the Mets, where he gave up four earned runs in 6 2/3 innings.
“Well, we never really touched Bonds’ record with the asterisk because there is no clear proof that he did cheat. However, it is very certain that the Royals are, at best, a mediocre team. Therefore, a no-hitter pitched against the Royals is simply a ‘pretty good game,’ ” reported Elias statistical observer Don Rosencrans. “The asterisk is powerful - we like to think that it is the monolith of statistical symbols.”
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In the sports world, the asterisk is the equivalent of a scarlet letter. Many players and teams who have been branded with the glyph have never been seen again. Elias, responsible for the daily stats that will appear in tomorrow’s paper, could not bear the responsibility of publishing an inferior no-hitter. Shortly after the statistical change, ESPN dropped the news story to ‘Pittsburgh-Pirates-level,’ a segment reserved for the bottom of SportsCenter.
After hearing the news, Lester was remorseful about what he did to the Royals.
“At one point, I sorta felt bad for the Royals,” the pitcher explained. “Billy Butler came up to the plate, and he was literally tearing up after I threw my famous 93 mph heater. I wanted to let them get a hit off me, but it was tough. In the end, I didn’t really deserve the no-hitter.”
So far this season, the Royals are the lowest-scoring team in the A.L. Almost every pitcher facing the Royals this year, according to Elias, has nearly thrown a ‘no-no.’
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3 months ago
ohhhhhhh, that is soooooooo wrong!!!!!! makes it sound like he threw a game against the bad news bears. lol!!!!!!
3 months ago
The beauty of sports writing, or simply just writing about sports, is that people are allowed to praise you when they agree with you and hate you when they feel the opposite. Rather than go to extremes, I'll just simply disagree with you. Although I see that you tend to lean towards the side of satire and sarcasm with your articles, (I'm with you there), I gotta say I have issue on this subject. Being that Jon Lester is a cancer victim and was a major part of Boston's Championship team last year, it shouldn't at all be underappreciated what he acheived last night, as well. Throwing a no-hitter is one of the most amazing accomplishments in sports and is one of the greatest events to witness. And, yes, while it is no secret that Kansas City has had its share of bad teams in recent years, they aren't as crappy as you are calling them out to be. I'm guessing if Lester had thrown his "no-no" against the Detroit Tigers or the New York Yankees that he would be looked upon as the most dominant pitcher in all of baseball right now, right? Well, Kansas City has a better record than both of those teams and a .500 record on the road, with their second baseman having one of the highest batting averages in the league at .323. Well written article and I do appreiate your views and opinions because they make me laugh, but I'll take the higher road with this one.
from 3 months ago
The more you read from us, you'll realize we'll never take the high road.
And for future reference, it's pretty much complete satire. We're actually very impressed with Lester just as with any no-hitter. But we'll never miss an opportunity to make fun of the KC Royals.
Happy you enjoyed it.
Check out some of our other articles at www.chatterbalks.com
3 months ago
"But we'll never miss an opportunity to make fun of the KC Royals." Now that IS funny. Again, nice work. I just like to have my opinions, too. I'll be sure to check them out!
3 months ago
Isn't "make fun of the KC Royals" sort of redundant? And speaking of the Bad News Bears, I'll bet Kelly Leak could've reached safely in this one. (He's got a Harley-Davidson. Does that turn you on?)
from 3 months ago
kelly leak would have reached, and i bet the girl pitcher could no hit the sox, lol!!!
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