Cage Match to Determine Cleveland Browns QB Battle

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Cage Match to Determine Cleveland Browns QB Battle
(Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
In an unprecedented move, Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini will wage a no-holds barred cage match to determine his starting quarterback for this season.

Third year QB Brady Quinn will battle towering incumbent starter Derek Anderson at an undisclosed location in the Cleveland area.

The new head coach believes that he must do something drastic and "out of the box" to stir things up in Cleveland.  Some NFL experts have predicted that the Browns will go win-less this season. 

Mangini explained further: "You are well aware that the New York media criticized me through the years for being secretive, controlling, and conservative.  I took that to heart and felt I needed to change my approach in Cleveland. Let's face it, our team will stink far greater this year than that awful stench wafting off of the Cuyahoga River." 

Coach M continued:

"Why not let the players themselves determine the outcome?  I think it's a wonderful idea.  This contest will boost morale, determine our leader, and the players will have some fun in the process."

No harm, no foul.

Will reporters and the public would be invited to attend?  

Coach M: "After I tore down that mural by the locker room and was consequently criticized by all of you again, you have all been on my **** list ever since.  So the answer is a definitive "no." This event will be an us thing, and I'm talking about my football team only."

And who will referee the match?

"Nobody," Mangini flatly replied.  "Weren't you listening to me the first time?  This will be a no-holds barred fight to the end.  The last guy standing will be my QB this season."

Is Mangini worried about one of his starters getting injured during the melee?  "It will make my decision even easier," said the coach.

Will there be more contests to determine who starts at various positions?

Coach M: "Drastic circumstances require drastic measures.  Look at the Dolphins last year and their implementation of the single wing.  That team went from the basement to the playoffs.  Now almost every NFL team has installed a similar package, except for teams like us who are so bereft of talent, we will be fortunate enough just to make it through four quarters this season."

"I have to do something, and this is one of the ways I am changing the culture around here.  As for initiating more fights in the future to determine starting roles, let's see how this one goes first.  One step at a time."

How will the match begin between the two QB's?

Coach M: "We are gonna throw a dog bone out into the middle of the floor, blow the whistle, have 'em both go at it, and see which one will be able to maintain possession for good. The one who prevails will be our starter."

Lastly, who's Coach Mangini's favorite wrestler of all-time?  

Coach M: "Hands down, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.  That guy was a beast. I wish I had 53 'Superflys' on my team today.  I would be much more optimistic about this season. To be honest, Jamal Lewis reminds me of him a little bit."

And the two contestants?  How are Quinn and Anderson dealing with this new development?  

It's rumored that Quinn will execute a Brazilian jiu jitsu "scissor kicking" style to engage the taller Anderson.  "Hopefully, he will fall over like a redwood tree,"  Quinn was overheard whispering to a team mate.  

In contrast, Anderson will probably utilize classic WWE-style tactics on Quinn, such as the "pile diver."

According to a local Cleveland cab driver, Anderson confided to him that he "will pound that little meat head into the mat like a nail through butter." 

If this strategy works?  

Mangini will truly be Mangenius once again

If not?  

Just another Mangy mutt story for the beleaguered Dawg Pound faithful.

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