Inside The Mind With Dr Hayley: Ric Flair

Hayley-L GrahamSenior Analyst IAugust 24, 2009

The whole office had been slow this week! It seemed like it was going to be an ordinary time for once!

Marina kept getting phone calls from Jericho's obscenely expensive lawyer; something about a harassment complaint. She kept telling him he had the wrong office, saying he needed a Mr. Angle; I forget to be honest.

I had this man turn up at the door, something about representing a potential client. This peaked my interest, along with the promise of a large pay check, so I told them to send him in at the end of the week.

Well, now, Marina and I were watching out the window, trying to see if we could find a clue as to who it was. For some odd reason, we kept thinking it was one of Stan's tricks, but then we realised that he was safely locked away in his little padded room, erm, I mean on holiday.

Our questions were answered when a large limousine turned up...

Marina: Wow! A limousine! Who on earth could afford one of them? I mean, Randy could obviously afford one because he is the greatest wrestler alive!

Dr Hayley: It could be Cena. It's probably paid for out of all the little children's pocket money that he stole from their piggy banks. That's what being controlled by kids does to you.

Suddenly, the same guy as before stepped out of the drivers seat with a CD player, saying something about a big entrance. He opened the door to the back whilst pressing the play button.

"Banana's in pyjama's, are running down the stairs! Banana's in pyjama's are running down the stairs."

Unknown voice: God damn it! That's the wrong CD! Turn it off! Turn it off!

The guy looked very sheepish as he got another disc. This time, the air was filled with the sound of WOOOOOOOOOOOO's, as none other than Ric Flair stepped out of the limousine, champagne in hand and suited up. He strutted down the path into the clinic, albeit to some very odd looks from the little kids across the road who were queuing up for ice cream.


Marina: Oh my god! It's the Nature Boy! He knows Randy Orton!

Dr Hayley: I wasn't aware this was a retirement home, last time I checked this was a wrestlers clinic.

Marina: Hahaha! That was good, but seriously, it's Ric Flair!

Dr Hayley: Haha, but seriously, shouldn't he be in bed by now?

Ric Flair: Don't you dare insult the Nature Boy...WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am ready for you, I am ready for you doctor! I am the president of the United States! No, I'm the president of something, I've just forgotten what! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dr Hayley: OK then. If you'd like to follow me into my office and we can start the session.

It took an hour to get him into my office! He decided to do a slow strut down the hall, waving to his adoring "fans." Edge could move faster than this, and he's in a hospital. Wait, Hornswoggle could move faster than this with Chavo following behind him.

Dr Hayley: Right then, what can I do for you today then Ric?

Ric Flair: I seem to be having problems with the opposite sex. They don't seem to be interested in me anymore. It is because of my clothes? My hair?

Dr Hayley: Your age...

Ric Flair: Excuse me! I am not getting old! I just have standards in my women!

Dr Hayley: Of course. Don't tell me, as long as they have a pulse?

Ric Flair: Hey! Wait a second! I am not some cheap old man! I only want to have beautiful women, like the sort I had in Evolution WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The second he said Evolution, Marina came barging through the door, shouting something about him, Orton, parties and introductions. She was speaking way too fast for me to understand her, so I doubt Flair had the foggiest!

Dr Hayley: Slow down Marina! What are you trying to say?

Marina: You know Randy Orton! You know his phone number! You can introduce me to him!

Ric Flair: Ah ha! I don't think so, if you ain't my type, you ain't his type WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Marina: God damn it! Give me the number NOW!

Ric Flair: Tell you what. I'll give him a ring, have a chat to him, maybe let you talk to him. On one condition.

Marina: What? Anything?

Ric Flair: You take a ride on Space Mountain baby!

Marina: I don't like Roller-coasters. They're a bit too fast for me.

Dr Hayley: Trust me, the speed he moves at, I'd be more worried about falling asleep.

Flair turned around and looked at me with one of those glances, before pulling out his phone and dialling some number. He then launched into a very loud conversation, all while fixing his gaze on Marina, who looked like she was about to die of excitement.

Ric Flair: Hey Randall! How about last night huh? Man, you have to love Trips, he sure knows the best floozies around. He should know, he married one! I kid, I kid! How's everything up your end? Cena, you say? Little kids, you say? Legacy, you say? Haha, don't try too hard, haven't got the brains to do it! Listen man, I got a girl here who wants to say hi. Don't mind, do you? OK then.

At this point, he waved the phone in front of Marina's nose. Trust me, I've never seen her move so fast! She was shaking like a leaf!

Marina: OMG! Hello! I'm Marina and I am your biggest fan! You totally rock and you're gorgeous and hunky and... (Dial tone)

She looked down at the phone in utter disbelief, before looking at Flair with an evil look.

Marina: He hung up on me!

Ric Flair: Too bad, I told you that if you didn't suit me, you wouldn't suit him.

She looked like she was going to cry as she chucked the phone back at Flair and stormed out of the room. I'm not going to hear the end of that for weeks.

Ric Flair: What's her problem? She turned down a chance to ride Space Mountain?!

Dr Hayley: Dude, get over yourself, you're old enough to be her grandad! That's just way too creepy.

Ric Flair: You're just jealous that this kiss-stealing, wheeler-dealing, jet-flying, limousine-riding son of a gun is too far out of your league! Can't blame you though, I'd date me. Everyone would date me!

Dr Hayley: See, your problem is that you think you're some irresistible pretty boy, when, in reality, you're a desperate, lonely old man.

Ric Flair:That's it! You've insulted the Nature Boy for the last time WOOOOOOOOOOO!

At this point, he started to rip off his jacket and advance towards me. Unfortunately, he walked into the side of my filing cabinet. He looked OK to begin with, but then he took two steps backwards and fell flat on his face. I didn't see the harm in leaving him there for a little while. However, when he lifted his head back up, he was split open like a grapefruit. Seriously, does this guy get donations from the blood bank or something? Sheesh!

Dr Hayley: Right Flair, I'm going to make some suggestions to you.

Ric Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What might that be?

Dr Hayley: First, put a sock in it, or I'll get Michaels in. You can go back and see all your buddies in ROH once he's retired you again! Secondly, get on the Internet, find some dating site and tell them you're desperate. You'll get anyone!

Ric Flair: I don't know doc. You really think it'll work?

Dr Hayley: I'm positive. Now, I'm going to have to ask to leave, you're wrecking my office.

Ric Flair: Fine, I'm out of here!

Flair then stood up and walked out of the room, followed by his lackey who was playing his music again. At least it was the right CD this time. He stopped at the reception where Marina was standing, leaning over the counter and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Ric Flair: Call me some time. Maybe we can get together over champagne and dinner.

Marina: Highly doubt that.

He then winked at her before strutting back out the same way he came in. Marina looked pitifully at the guy with the player.

Marina: Why do you follow him around?

Assistant: I'm sorry, I love him...Erm, as a friend.

He quickly left, leaving me and Marina looking at each other blankly.

Dr Hayley: And I thought that Flair was the mad one!

This was a product of my imagination. Unfortunately, due to cutbacks, we no longer have a complaints line, but if you'd like to leave a message on Stan's profile page, I'm sure he'll get back to you when he returns!


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