Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, my name is Keith; I'm your ringmaster, and I want to welcome you to the big tent here in Eden Prairie, Minnesota to watch the Brett Favre Circus!
Don't let the bad reviews we received last year in New York sway you. This circus is better than Ringling Brothers! Forget those uppity New Yorkers—they wouldn't know good entertainment if it slapped them in the face! I mean, would you ever trust the opinion of a New Yorker? They twice elected a cross-dressing mayor for Pete's sake!
The Brett Favre Circus is right where its supposed to be—in America's heartland, Minnesota. Home to Senator Al Franken, Governor Jessie "The Body" Ventura, and now, Brett Favre. Or as I like to call them, Gomez Addams, Uncle Fester, and Cousin It!
And here's some of the attractions you can expect to see here at the Brett Favre Circus!
Brett Favre is a magician, ladies and gentleman; and he's twice as good as that fraud David Blaine. Watch him announce his retirement, disappear in a cloud of smoke, then 15 minutes later, reappear, call a press conference and say "Sorry guys, I was just joking."
That Brett Favre is something else. He goes away, he comes back. He goes away, he comes back. He goes away, he comes back. I tell you, the man is like a bad case of herpes!
The Lying Tamer
Watch Brett, locked in a cage, with just him and his lying.
He doesn't need a fedora hat and a whip like Indiana Jones to tame his lying. All he needs is his Mississippi moxie!
You better hope that his lying doesn't escape its cage, because when it does, this is what happens:
"I do want to be a Packer for life. I couldn't envision myself playing for another team If that was to ever come up, I would probably retire." (Favre: March 2, 2001)
"If I do play this year, it will be my last. There's no doubt about that." (Favre: March 31, 2006)
"I don't want to be traded. I want to finish my career as a Packer." (Favre: May 14, 2007)
"Its been a great career for me, but its over. I don't think I've got anything left to give." (Favre: March 6, 2008)
"I didn't feel like physically, I could play at a level that was acceptable. I would like to thank everyone including the Packers, Jets, and Vikings. But most importantly, I would like to thank the fans." (Favre: July 29, 2009).
As you can see ladies and gentleman, no one in the world is better with lying than Brett Favre!
The High-Wire Act
Don't forget to check out Favre's infamous high-wire act. You've seen it for his whole career and now its here for Minnesotans to enjoy.
In fact you may want to cover your eyes when you see Favre . . .
-Scramble 20 yards behind the line of scrimmage and throw a pathetic pass into double coverage!
-Freak out when a massive blitz is coming his way, and throw a pathetic hail-mary pass into double coverage!
-Freak out, scramble 20 yards, and try a (never-before-seen) pathetic, underhanded, left-handed pass into double coverage!
He's death-defying, electrifying, and yes, terrifying! And don't worry about him hurting himself; when he falls, he'll have a safety net to protect him...John Madden and the rest of the lapdog media!
Bozo The Clown
No circus could be complete without a clown! And you're in for a treat because this clown is none other than Vikings head coach Brad Childress! I mean, look at him; he looks like a clown, has big feet, and scares little children! He also has a fondness for rubber chickens and spraying water into a referee's eyes with his squirting flower!
But what really makes Childress a clown, is the grotesque way he mismanages games. Last season, he burned so many unnecessary timeouts that the whole team had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency skin grafts!
And as a bonus, if Bozo the Clown fails to win a playoff game, sit back and watch team owner Zygi Wilf turn Bozo into a Human Cannonball; blasting his sorry butt right out of town!
Just wait kiddies until you see the Vikings best player, Adrian Peterson, react with vitriol once he finds out that management won't give him the same perks that they give to Favre.
No use of the team private plane. No skipping out on training camp. No wearing Wrangler jeans! Peterson's going to be mad I tell ya! Fire-breathing mad!
No circus is complete without elephants and we've got them too.
As you can see, they're walking around, taking a dump. I swear they got this place smelling like a trash bag from the Octomom's house!
Oh wait...I'm sorry, those aren't elephants taking a crap, it's Green Bay Packer fans who've stopped by to let Benedict Favre know exactly how they feel about him playing for the Vikings!
The Gift Shop
And please don't leave before you stop by our gift shop. We have some great Brett Favre t-shirts for the whole family.
Again, my name is Keith and I'm your ringmaster, and I want to thank you for visiting.
We'll be here all season long in the great state of Minnesota. So tell your friend, tell your neighbor, tell your mistress! We got clowns, acrobats, and jugglers! We got Lions, Packers, and Bears, oh my! We've got it all here at the wild, wonderful, and wacky Brett Favre Circus!
Ya'll come back now, ya hear!!!