August 24, 2009
Being a huge Ultimate Fighting fan, I often find myself having to explain to my friends about how the sport works. I have to explain the rules, who the best fighters are, you know, stuff like that.
So, getting tired of explaining things to my dumbass friends, and being the awesome super-smart stud that I am, I decided I'd write a complete history of UFC fighting.
The Beginning (Well duh, genius)
In the beginning, Roy Gracie came over to America on a plane from Brazil, with an ambition of proving himself the world's greatest fighter. He set up an underground fighting group called the Ultimate Fighting Championship, which consisted of Karate experts, boxers, ninjas and shaolin monks all looking to prove themselves as the world's greatest fighter. There were no rules, and they had to fight to the death to proceed to the next round.
Roy Gracie preparing for battle
Roy defeated them all with ease, using his Zhu Zitzu, an ancient Chinese art that allowed one to break the limbs of their opponents with just a flick of the wrist, and make them shit their pants without knowing why.
Roy went undefeated, killing every opponent he faced, when he heard that there was another fighting group out in Japan, that went by the name of PRIDE.
PRIDE was a new promotion, created and run by a mysterious figure called Feidur Melenko, who hailed from the deepest regions of the Siberian wilderness, but he did not fight in the tournament until later stages.
Anyway, Roy's first matchup was against a fearsome opponent named Sushi Saikyoraba, a master of Saikyo Arts.
Sushi Saikyoraba, the founder of Saikyo Arts
In a vicious battle that lasted days, Saikyoraba defeated Roy, who was never heard from again and is presumed dead by police.
The Middle Part (the part where all the stuff happens)
With PRIDE getting larger and larger, the Japanese government needed to shut down this criminal organisation pronto, but sending a Japanese cop would be too obvious. They needed someone else, they needed...a Croatian Cop.
Cro Cop being prepped for his mission...or about to get a cavity search, I'm not sure which
The Cro Cop was entered into the tournament by the Japanese authorities with the intention of bringing it down from within, and getting some information on the mysterious Melenko. Cro Cop had made it down to the final four, along with John Barnett, Anthony Noriega, and Cro Cop's next opponent, Melenko himself!
Meanwhile, back in the USA, the police had thought they had exterminated Ultimate Fighting until a ruthless businessman-slash-mob boss named Dana White
put together another UFC, nearly ten years after the last event.
During this tournament, Tito Ortiz had already progressed to the final round, and Randy Couture, five-time Olympic gold wrestler, was due to face Chuck Liddell, who had KO'd every opponent he had ever faced cold, all inside one round.
Couture got the better of Chuck, leaving him beaten but deciding to spare his life, before going on the defeat Tito Ortiz, and claiming the UFC belt. But, as Couture celebrated his win, Chuck Liddell appeared in the cage beside him, back for revenge, and this time, there would be only one survivor.
After a hard fought battle, with everyone in the audience suffering overexposure to awesomeness and dying of cancer several years later, Liddell stood over Couture's body and proclaimed himself the true owner of the belt.
Liddell retired this year undefeated and with a 100 percent KO rate.
On the other side of the world, Cro Cop and Melenko prepared to face off in the ring. It was the first time that anyone had seen Melenko in public, but the rumours were already well established.
He was trained in some kind of arcane Soviet killing techniques, and that no one had been able to survive a minute with him before dying gruesomely.
Yet Cro Cop was not scared, and fought valiantly, opening up Melenko's flesh several times and hitting him with some great shots that should have KO'd him, and at one point the doctors even asked to check his cuts. Melenko told them that it would not be necessary and that he would continue.
Cro Cop could not understand this, but did not have time to ponder it, as Melenko hit him with a crushing series of attacks that left him on the floor, prone to being finished. Melenko prepared to kill him, but didn't want any more police investigations, and told Cro Cop to leave Japan and never come back. The entire crowd went silent.
Facing certain death, Cro Cop agreed to go the States. Maybe he could continue the investigation another time.
With Melenko winning the tournament, Cro Cop, Barnett and Noriega attended the press conference, but Melenko was not there. Confused, Cro Cop went into the locker rooms, and found Melenko attending his cuts, which he could see bone through.
No, not bone...metal! Melenko was not human!
Cro Cop had found the evidence he needed, so he took a picture, and ran off to inform the police.
Leaked picture of Melenko
The Ending (Durrrrrr)
The scandal caused PRIDE to be shut down, and Melenko's base of operations had to be shifted to America, where he started up several new underground fighting syndicate that goes by many names: Affliction, Strikeforce, M-1, and EliteXC, but they are all run by Melenko.
With even Chuck Liddell being unable to deal with Melenko's power, himself and Dana White decided that a new fighter was necessary, one who could overcome Melenko's cybernetic advantages.
White decided that the WWE champion was the only one who could help them. So he sent forth a challenge for the champ, one Brock Lesnar
, to come to UFC and become the world's greatest fighter.
Lesnar, a 700-pound behemoth who was banned from the Olympics for the safety of the other athletes, trained under Chuck Liddell and Dana White and became the champion in the new UFC tournament, winning every one of his fights by ripping his opponents' heads off 30 seconds after the bell.
Lesnar rips trees out of the ground to use as barbells
Now, the stage is set, Melenko and Lesnar are set to showdown for the title of the world's ultimate fighter, with the winner unleashing his newfound power and using it to take over the world.
So, there you go, the entire history of Ultimate Fighting from the first UFC, to the destruction of PRIDE, to the current UFCs. Hope that this was as educational for you as it was to my friends!
[Disclaimer: Nothing written above really happened and as a precaution you should wash your brain out with hydrochloric acid before doing anything else today.]