ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE AT THE FIRST BLEACHER REPORT MEETING!
Note: This article is a collaboration between the amazing Taylor Rummel and the awesome Rocky Getters. It is meant for humorous purposes only.
Worried by the scores of issues haunting b/r that had led to many a nasty, ugly debates here, Zander last night called all the Bleacher Report writers for an emergency community meeting at his headquarters in San Francisco. Not everybody could come there in such a hurry, so here is a detailed "live" report of that meeting...
While everyone is getting arranged and settling in, Bleacher Report founder Zander Freund addresses the audience:
A collective “Hey” is emitted from the mass, which is saturated with many Bleacher Report writers.
Zander proceeds, “Well, I’ve been sensing a lot of commotion from the public on various issues. Lets tackle all these issues one by one. So, first—who do you guys think is the best wrestler around?”
Chedda Bob is the first to respond:
“Yo, Cena is da man, son. He got mad skillz. He make all dem other wresslers luk liek washed up scum bags, ya dig?"
An infuriated Andrea Claire instantly feels the need to make her voice heard:
“Uh, excuse me! Edge was, is and always will be the best wrestler in the whole world! How dare you insult my Canadian hunka' beef?!"
Leroy Watson also takes heed with the argument, addressing Chedda:
“My man, NOTHING compares to Taker. I don't like to say this, but if you all don't agree with me, my kiddie corps and I will leave BR for good!"
Upon hearing these outlandish words, Zander pleads, “Don't let them go. Catch them!”
In the blink of an eye, Leroy jumps over the chair, rolls under the desk, swings from the ceiling fan and proceeds to land on the wooden frame near the window.
"Ha, you will never catch me! You will remember this day as the day you almost caught Capta...uh... Leroy Watson!" Saying this, he jumps off the window and opens a parachute.
“Well,” Zander starts, “That was quite a fiasco, let’s shift gears here.”
“Who do you guys think is the better NBA player, Kobe Bryant or King James?”
Youngster Graham Brunell, (while listening to Tupac Shakur on his Celtics-skinned iPod) replies, “It has to be Lebron, he's a beast.”
John Lorge counters the debate by explaining how Graham’s reply is biased, since Lebron resides in the same conference as his dear Celtics.
“It’s obviously Kobe, says John. “He is on the reigning NBA Champion team and is in possession of four NBA rings, which is four more than Lebron, and three more than your boy Kevin Garnett.”
(A hefty dosage of snickers and jeering are elicited from those around)
Graham, (not about to be verbally taken to school) becomes enraged and mutters, "Oh you little," and proceeds to reach across the table in hopes of laying hands on the evolving enemy.
However, his intentions are hampered by the combined efforts of Glenn Card and Blaine Spence, (who comes severely close to tearing a muscle in the process.)
Meanwhile, Andrea Claire, (while cycling through pictures on her camera and not paying any attention to what is going on) answers, “It's Kobe, I like him.”
John Lorge instantly goes from defensive mode to frustration, and subsequently buries his head in his hands in order to accommodate his developing headache.
Andrea notices and bellows, “C’mon John! Girls can have opinions too!”
Once again, Zander must take action in order to tame a dangerously explosive crowd. He goes on to ask, “Is soccer doomed to fail in the U.S. of A?
Mohamed El Masri quickly comments, “YOU CHEAP BASTARD! How dare you raise a question of this magnitude? You realize that my cousins live in the States?!”
“They are awesome™, I am awesome™, and the United States is awesome™!” “However, it is doomed…” He then proceeds to make hand gestures to resemble this particular smiley: :'(((((((((((((
Rocky Getters, (while wiping away a tear), provides his answer, (which also happens to be a possible solution), “There is only way to save soccer in the US:
He continues…“Right, left, during half-time, before the game, after the game, blondes, brunettes, red-heads….everywhere!”
Mohamed in anger sputters, “YOU SON OF A B****! You read my mind! I love you man.”
Out from the corner, AVR chimes in, “If this was an article, I’d leave a comment like :D, but since this is an actual conversation, I’ll just nod my head.”
Zander, relieved by the apparent calming atmosphere, asks, “What impact has the steroid scandal had on baseball?”
(AVR and Mohamed instantly close their eyes, and as well plug their ears.)
Bob Warja then enters the meeting room after holding a record-long conversation with an anonymous individual regarding the Cubbies chances of making the playoffs. The phrase: “Come to think of it,” was heard an apparent 2,500 times by anonymous writer—which, come to think of it, would be another record.
“Come to think of it guys, players will never be shed in the same light as they once were; Star-players and record-breakers will be viewed as guilty until proven innocent.”
Leroy, (who is able to hear the discussion due to the fact of his parachute getting snagged on a banner sitting exactly one story under the meeting room) yells, “I AGREE MY MID-WESTERN BROTHER, IT CERTAINLY IS A HAIRY SITUATION!”
Stephen Meyer, (with his baseball expertise) begins, “Well, A-Rod tested positive for...”
(Stephen can't complete his sentence due to Daniel Abbas's butt-in)
“ENOUGH with the Yankees Stephen! I'm sick of seeing your Yankees articles dominate the front page every time you write!”
The aftermath of his outburst unleashes an abundance of agonizing faces in his direction, which in turn forces him to look down at the floor, as to avoid the repulsive faces.
Zander, realizing the once-again mounting tension and embarrassed individual, decides to bring up another subject:
“That Usain Bolt is really something isn't he? Is he the most captivating sports figure in recent memory?”
That question from Zander is met with a furious booing from the tennis section. Roger fans start a "Roger chant" while Rafa fans start a "Nadal chant". Poor Rocky is sitting in the corner of the huge room, with clinched fists and hands around his knees, (in a strikingly-similar position to the fetal one), rocking back and forth, murmuring, "Novak Djokovic, Novak Djokovic."
Just then someone from the wrestling section yells, "Orton! Randy Orton is the best and most dominating person in recent history!"
(A period of awkward silence ensues)
The connecting silence is then met with HUGE laughter! Some writer exclaims, "Yeah, right. Wrestling isn't even a real sport!"
Upon hearing the damning words, Wrestling CL Shane gets up and says, "Boys…"
As if on queue, everyone in the wrestling section gets up and takes out their Uzis and start shooting at him. The writer is history.
"Anyone else think wrestling is not a real sport?”
“Thought so.” “Now Zander, are we getting our place on the front page or not?" Shane says in a threatening tone.
"Of course man! Of course! Now put those guns down people!”
“Now, next question, Rocky, can you answer this? It’s about college football. What do you think we can do to improve?"
Rocky turns around, faces a wall, and says in an angry tone, "I’m not answering anything related to CF. Baby Tate never comments on my articles. I am not giving any opinions on his work either!"
(A relatively short-lived uproar follows, only halted when Baby Tate opens his mouth, [as if to speak], but then goes on to yawn—and as a result—the uproar picks back up again)
Z, (growing sick with the escalating disorder) abandons that question and proceeds to ask his next.
"We only have space for one Motorsport on BR now, due to a recession we are having to cut down and stuff.”
“So, what stays: F1 or MASCAR?"
Faster than a ferrari, Saraswathi Sirigina yells "FORMULA 1 FOREVER!"
Coincidentally, at that exact moment, Mary Jo Buchanan, (while sitting on her throne) is in the middle of bribing the waiter to put salt in her [Saraswhathi] water.
Not about to be left out of the discussion, Kelly Crandal stands up and says, "The hell with F1, Nascar is where it's at!"
Kara Martin as well pounds both fists on the table and simply exclaims, "NASCAAAAAAAAR!"
(John Lorge's head goes from up to down faster than a Stephen Strasburg heater—seemingly because of the blatant comment)
"Ahem...is any one of those two beautiful ladies single?" Rocky mutters. That question is met with angry stares from both women.
Fearing that she is outnumbered in collective agreement, Saraswathi threatens to call up Michael Schumacher and have him drive a car through the building. The news brings laughter and as a result, she storms out of the room.
Zander, while sipping on a hot cup of joe, decides that it's time to finally switch subjects entirely.
"OK guys, enough with the debates, my ears are beginning to bleed and I ran out of napkins cleaning my four aotd awards.”
(While the audience remains busy chuckling to themselves at his words, Zander asks his final question)
"So, how is BR doing guys, in need of any change?" With that, the chuckling stops, and evil, death-like glares ensue.
Suddenly there is chaos everywhere!
LJ Burgess shouts loudly, "Anarchy, anarchy!" He gets up from his seat, kicks a few chairs down and runs out of the room pulling out his hair!
There is a loud group that starts chanting, "Change the rankings, change the rankings!" Chedda Bob pulls out his uzi and destroys them all. He then says, “Da rankins are fine dawgs, don’tcha go haytin on my boy joe. You got dat son?”
Blaine cries out, “I just want people to stop calling me Uncle!”
Leroy [still hanging] yells, “Brother Blaine...I feel you, my man! But err, can you help me out here? I am JUST hanging from a rope!” However, Blaine is still fighting with the kiddie corps who are finding humor in calling him uncle.
Dorothy Willis is seen yelling out, “I knew this meeting would go nowhere. It was nice sleeping here on this table, but now I must go back to writing some MMA articles.”
(There is chaos everywhere)
People are fighting and arguing. WWE fans are duking it out with MMA fans. NASCAR faithful letting it rip with F1 fans. Cricket-backers jeering with baseball junkies. And of course, NHL fans fighting with…everyone!
Leroy once again pleads, "Brother Blaine, Rocky my man! T-Rumm—anybody!? You can take half of my AOTDs man...just get me outta here!"
Hearing that, Joe Burgett runs like hell toward Leroy.
Just then, one of Joe's friends texts him that he has won his first AOTD. Joe becomes so joyful that he falls down on the floor unconscious.
Andrea Claire yells back to Leroy, “I'll save you if you admit Edge is the best wrestler in the world!”
Leroy retorts, “Never! TAKER it is!” He decides to stay dangling there for the remainder of his life rather than accepting Edge, (and subsequently being saved). Leroy then proceeds to take out the laptop from his backpack and starts writing another article. By now it has already won another AOTD.
Shortly there after, a helicopter arrives at the window. Two hot chicks dressed in tight leather and dark sunglasses escort Zander into the helicopter.
"See ya later folks," he remarks with a sly grin. Upon saying this he too puts on his sunglasses and flies away, out of sight.
In a matter of seconds, all of the writers have been arrested but due to unstable mental condition, they have been shifted to the nearest mental health facility.
Note to the reader: We will get you the latest on their situations as soon as possible.
Disclaimer: The above article was intended for humorous purposes only. Nobody and no section, was directly or indirectly meant to be insulted or belittled. Bleacher Report is awesome™ and all the writers on it are also awesome™.
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