Disclaimer: This is quite clearly a humour article and as such please keep that in mind, it was never designed to insult or infuriate you, only to try and make you laugh. Thank you.
Hi American Soccer fans, I'm Jonny Jock Jnr., this week's kids sports correspondent, today I am in the north London warzone of Glasgow.
I'll be reporting on yesterday's death-match game between two of the world's MOST BEST GREAT SOCCER TEAMS! That is the Arsenal Reds vs Celtic Scots.
First off, this was definitely the most exciting match-ups in the European MLS since Germany invaded Poland back in 1939. Let our readers understand one thing only, there is no love lost between these two teams.
No, the rivalry between the Reds and the Scots—as they're known over here in merry old England—dates back to 1671. When William Wallace, the then manager of Celtic, thoroughly beat the Arsenal in a home game at Culloden Park. Recently Wallace was posthumously given the medal of honour from Scottish Prime Minister Mel Gibson.
I will admit that this was not a high scoring match. For a reporter new to this game I was expecting at least eighty goals from either side, but all they could do was muster two. As an aside, I would like to say it is scorelines like this that prove US athletes are the best in the world.
Sorry, I felt that needed to be said, I just... JUST LOVE MY COUNTRY. USA! USA! USA! Excuse me, there's something in my eye.
Anyway, back to the EPIC WAR OCCURING ON THE FOOTBATTLEFIELD. Arsenal coach Assene Wenger certainly pumped up his players, and they proved their dominance on the football pitch. The first goal scored with the classic reverse back sweep shot—which we are so used to seeing in the states—employed by the stalwart point defense guard, William Gaylas, just before the game ended at forty-five minutes.
BUT THEN, in a surprise to all the crowd, the players came back on FOR A REMATCH! I was blown away! Readers, I told you these games were the real grudge matches.
AND BOY WHAT A REMATCH! About halfway into the second game, Celtic Scots went ahead. Scots captain Caldwell went against the run of play and buried the ball straight into the back of the net! BAM!
The Celtic fans did not seem to celebrate much, probably out of some sort of hushed humility. I tell you, I've reported from games in Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, and Michigan but that certainly brought a tear to this old reporter's eye.
So FINAL SCORE!
Arsenal Reds won the first game 1-0
Celtic Scots the second 1-0.
Next week, I'll be back to reporting the much better sport of Baseball. You may not have noticed but soccer doesn't make much sense to me anyway.
This is Jonny Jock Jnr., signing out for tonight, sports fans.