An Open Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett Favre,
I hate you.  You suck.  Welcome back. 
 
Jackie knows the old saying: retirement is for quitters.  So welcome back Brett.  I know you have a love for the game.  You love the game so much, you held it hostage for almost 3 offseasons now.  That’s dedication.
 
I also think it’s really cool how much you love your teammates.  So unconditionally that you don’t give a damn about them, in your me-first world.  In Green Bay you butt in on their contract negotiations.  You refused to mentor Aaron Rodgers.  You didn’t know anyone’s last name on the Jets.  And you split the Vikings lockerroom before you even got there.  Your range is uncanny.  Maybe the Mannings can adopt you so you can convince Eli and Peyton to disown Cooper.  Brett Manning. Think about it.  (somewhere Joe Theismann’s head exploded from the platitudes he could heap on that family).
 
God you’re a rockstar.
 
How do you do it, 4? At your age, how do you find time to tape wrangler commercials (ps: wearing jeans playing sports always cool), keep un-re-re-re-retiring, have lunch everyday with God, and still find time to skip enough mini-camp to make your comeback ill-timed? 
 
I bet you could find bin laden and pass Obama-care if that slave-driver Childress didn’t make you do 2-a-days. 
 
And it’s cool how close you are with Mort and Jay Glazer.  I’m sure those guys love going down to your hometown every other week to scoop each other on the most obvious story (you coming back) since one of the boy-bands outed himself (equal shock). 
 
But how come you didn’t let Rachel Nichols break the story?  That poor hottie spent months outside your house, and was forced to watch you play catch with high school kids pretending to retire.
 
Don’t forget Brett, you are my idol.  Not because you play football.   Not because you pretend to be a small-town-good guy.  But because you seriously yanked people chain, and those mopes keep coming back and debating your decision.  With your durability, how many more years do you really think you can keep doing this?  5?  10?  Infinity?
 
No one, NO ONE, ever threw a more brilliant, tight, clutch----interception with the flair you do Brett.  So welcome back.  Only 29 more teams to go.
 
For more Jackie Moon, and articles and videos and polls that celebrate the tasered athlete, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).