Fantasy Football Is Killing My Grass
Everywhere I look, I see FANTASY FOOTBALL magazines and FANTASY FOOTBALL newspapers and FANTASY FOOTBALL websites and FANTASY FOOTBALL hula lessons and FANTASY FOOTBALL hamster food and FANTASY FOOTBALL full-figured under-wire support. (Okay, that's a joke. I obviously don't read newspapers.)
And because I'm addicted to fantasy football, I have to read all of it. I memorize names. And rankings. And depth charts.
And sometimes nibble the pages.
And I do all this while my grass whithers in the hot sun and turns brown because I cannot be bothered to water it or cut it or spray paint it green like the crazy neighbor two doors down with the black-light posters for drapery and the lawn sculpture made out of Spam.
But today, I have decided to change all that. And I am willing to help you do the same.
So if you have ever battled the urge to yell GREG OLSEN at the top of your lungs while your carpool driver waits for his cappuccino at the drive-thru window of Dunkin' Donuts, or have etched the initials "L.T." into the enamel of your teeth with the blunt end of a plastic Red Lobster toothpick, then I beg you to try these five sure-fire ways that are guaranteed to break your fantasy-football addiction and help you get on with your life.
1. Let your wife draft your fantasy-football team.
She hates football. She hates you watching football. She's tired of wearing the NFL cheerleader outfit on Friday nights and has asked you before to stop touching her pom poms.
Do you really think any players your wife picks are going to be worth watching?
The answer is yes.
Make her do it blind-folded.
2. Burn yourself with a cigarette every time your fantasy team scores.
This is not too hard if you have a crappy fantasy-football team, but if your team's decent, you may need more cigarettes.
Get the kids to smoke a pack or two to help you out.
3. Force yourself to write a transcript for every second of every NFL game you watch.
Don't watch any Randy Cross games.
4. For every minute you spend working on your roster, spend two less on personal hygiene.
It will be very difficult to set lineups when the fumes from your person are making your eyes water and you can't move your arms without breaking off pieces of your shirt.
Not recommended for hookers or dentists.
5. Play fantasy-football the exact same way you always do.
Draft great players. Watch them get hurt. Fall out of the playoff hunt by game seven. Get razzed for losing by 43 points to the worst team in the league. Offer to trade Tom Brady and Marques Colston to the second best team in the league for Seneca Wallace and a juice box. Get a flame-war started. Get threatening emails from the commissioner. Respond with a profanity-laced shot-gun email to every other owner. Get voted out of league.
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