A lot of Europe's top clubs have displayed a sort of "pattern" when it comes to signing players. Here is taking a firmly tongue-in-cheek look at some of the more peculiar ones:
Valdano and Perez sitting and discussing the transfer policy.
Perez: Get me last year's Ballon d'Or nominees list.
(Valdano, shuffles around, hands him the paper)
Perez: Ah, yes. Table offers for the top ten players on it, and come back to me. Spend no more than 350 million, that is a strict cap we must adhere to. Remember, the world is in the middle of a severe recession.
Valdano: But don Floren, there is no defender in the top 10.
Perez: Huh?? Defense? We need that?
The Manchester City transfer policy can be summarised as follows:
- Go to the first Champions League playing club you can find.
- Table offers for the top four attacking players, usually equalling their multi-million euro release clauses.
- Stay undeterred by the players' complete lack of interest. Instead, start throwing blank cheques to everyone, in the hopes that some players (read: Greedybayour) start drooling and sign up.
- Move on to the next club, then the next, and so on.
A crucial point to be noted is that at no point in the season should there be less than eight strikers in the squad. The more the better.
Guardiola: I have a "feeling" that some players are not needed at the club. I also have a "feeling" that some defenders (read: Caceres, Henrique) who are widely believed to be average, are in fact perfect for the squad, and we can splash out a cumulative sum of nearly 25 million euros on them.
Laporta: We make stars, Real Madrid buys them. We refuse to spend big in the current economic climate.
Then, he promptly flies to Milan to seal a deal worth "only" 40 million euros and Samuel Eto'o for Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
Guardiola (at the end of the 2008-09 season): I would like a bigger squad next season to compete for six trophies.
Then, just a few days back: I prefer a smaller squad, of only 18 players or so.
Huh, come again?
Arsenal's transfer policy can be summarised as follows:
- At the start of the transfer season, sell at least one player who was integral to the team in the previous year, preferably to Barcelona, without actually lining up a replacement.
- Towards the middle of the window, look at possible targets. Naturally, all targets above the age of 20 are immediately discarded as being too old. The others are discarded one-by-one as being too expensive.
- Finally, sign one unknown player who is turned into a world class talent.
- Next season, repeat the same procedure.
The exact opposite of Arsenal's policy. Summary:
- At the start of the transfer season, buy one player from Barcelona. The player should normally have been an outstanding performer, but somehow, his performance must have "dropped" over the last year.
- Sell their best player and then declare that the squad is complete and no reinforcements are needed.
- Later, after the club headquarters have been trashed by ultras demanding Berlusconi's head for cavorting with another 40 women, start looking at possible targets.
Naturally, Milan transfer targets have the following characteristics (remember, opposite of Arsenal):
- Usually above the age of 30, the older the better.
- They are usually world class talents when bought, and then turn into unknown players!
PS: This article is intended for humourous purposes only. No offense is meant to any clubs or their supporters, as is evident by the fact that I have pulled Barcelona's leg as well.
The cartoon is the scene described in the Real Madrid section.