Porcello Blames Bees for Running Away from Youkilis (Satire)

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Porcello Blames Bees for Running Away from Youkilis (Satire)
(Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Rick Porcello, starting pitcher for the Detroit Tigers, was embarrassed after his performance last night.  It wasn't for what he did on the mound, however, but rather the way he scampered off it. 

After hitting Kevin Youkilis in the back, to which Youkilis rebutted with a helmet, Porcello claims he was attacked by a swarm of bees.  This would explain his stereotypical pitcher reaction of running away until his teammates came to help after throwing a mid-90s fastball at a player, unless your pitcher is named Kyle Farnsworth or Nolan Ryan.

Porcello, however, was smart and did the only thing a wimpy pitcher does in this situation where they actually have to answer for throwing at someone; he used the player's momentum of charging the mound to slam them to ground, thus, making him seem tough.   

"Oh, you think I ran away from the mound because of Youkilis?" Porcello asked.  "No, there were a bunch of bees around my head so I was trying to avoid them."

Miguel Cabrera did not notice any bees. 

"If there were bees then that means there was honey and I was really hungry, so I would know if there were honey," Cabrera said as he gnawed on the arm of a bat boy. 

Whether or not Youkilis had bees in his helmet, we will never know.

"I didn't have any bees in my helmet," Youkilis said.  "I actually have an afro wig built in to my helmet to make me feel not bald...I don't know why I told you that."

Prince Fielder had his own take on the situation and baseball fights in general. 

"This is why you don't charge the mound," Fielder said.  "You don't have the time to get to a pitcher, and then bullpen pitchers and other starters look tough getting held back by players.  Pitchers aren't tough, so you wait until after the game and then you stab them...or tackle them, whatever."

Edwin Jackson was one of the Tiger pitchers who visibly needed to be restrained during the "brawl" with the Red Sox. 

"Thank god I was getting held back because I didn't have a baseball to throw at anyone," Jackson admitted.

Ozzie Guillen was asked about the fight, but responded to reporters by throwing baseballs at them repeatedly until they left.   

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