The NFL Halftime Show (a Play in One Act)

A TV set.

TELEVISION PERSONALITY, EX-COACH, LOUD GUY, UNINTELLIGIBLE GUY, and FORMER PLAYER are sitting at a desk. They are FAKE LAUGHING at something.

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: Welcome back to the NFL Halftime show. What a first half we just had! What are your thoughts?

LOUD GUY (loudly): THE FIRST TEAM PLAYED HORRIBLY! IF THEY WANT TO WIN, THEY SHOULD PLAY BETTER!

UNINTELLIGIBLE GUY: [unintelligible]

FAKE LAUGHTER all around.

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: I think we can all agree on that.

EX-COACH: I'd like to make a really obvious point right here.

Sounds of general agreement.

FORMER PLAYER: I'd disagree, because I'm hoping to get my own show, showcasing my contrarian viewpoints.

LOUD GUY (loudly): YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: Before anyone can interject any facts into this argument, let's go through highlights around the league.

Each announces game highlights. For some reason, UNINTELLIGIBLE GUY narrates twice as many as everyone else.

EX-COACH: I tell ya, [the player featured in the last highlight] is a heckuva football player!

REST OF AMERICA: Yeah, because he just made a highlight-worthy play, you idiot!

FORMER PLAYER: Things were better back when I played, despite the fact that players weighed hundreds of pounds less and frequently showed up to games drunk. Did you notice that I'm a Hall-of-Famer?

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: You're going to have to put that story on hold, because we've got ACTOR MAKING A PLUG in the studio.

Enter ACTOR MAKING A PLUG.

ACTOR MAKING A PLUG: Hello. Even though the movie I'm promoting is a romantic comedy, I'm here because I occasionally watch football games. Go see my latest movie, opening on Friday!

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: ACTOR, who do you think will take over the second half?

ACTOR MAKING A PLUG: The...Yankees?

Exit ACTOR.

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: All right, we're (mercifully) about to return to the game. Any final thoughts?

LOUD GUY: THE SECOND HALF WILL BE FULL OF ACTION! BANK ON IT! I'D ALSO LIKE TO TRADEMARK THE PHRASE 'BANK ON IT.'

FORMER PLAYER: Since I used to be a quarterback, I'm going to say quarterback play will be the key to the game.

UNINTELLIGIBLE GUY: [unintelligible]

TELEVISION PERSONALITY: Well, that's it for us. Enjoy the second half of Lions-Bills.

Flourish. Exeunt omnes.