With the Habs out of the race for Lord Stanley's Cup, I had a decision to make.
Usually when my team doesn’t make the playoffs, no matter the sport, I choose a “backup” to root for. I’ve been pretty lucky thus far: LSU won the BCS Championship, the Giants beat the Perfect Pats in Super Bowl 42 (The Giants are actually my backup team since the Saints couldn’t be bothered to go marching anywhere last season), the Yankees - too early to tell but seriously guys, Tampa Bay?!? You used to beat them up and steal their lunch money at recess! What happened?
But now I’m in a pickle. With hockey it’s different. As a Montrealer, Canadian Citizen and all around lover of Mike Komisarek (mostly because it took me about 7 years to correctly spell his name) it’s hard to think of even saying the moniker of another NHL team without attaching “sucks” at the end of their name like a cancerous suffix.
A careful process of elimination must be used to select a team worthy of having a one night stand with.
Will Dallas make me breakfast in the morning?
Can Philadelphia fulfill my needs?
How much fun can I have with Pittsburgh?
Is Detroit gonna buy me drinks?
Here are 5 questions Canadiens fans can ask in order to figure out which team to temporarily cheer for and not feel guilty. The Habs’ll forgive you.
1) What does their name represent?
-Stars are giant balls of light that do something in the atmosphere. Living in a big, polluted city I have not seen a star in approximately 17 years.
-What the hell is a Flyer? A plane? A bird? The team used to be called the Philadelphia Quakers. I’d prefer that since I am a big believer in oatmeal for breakfast.
-Penguins are like totally cute. If I wasn’t allergic to animals and it was legal to keep a penguin as a pet I’d definitely get one.
-Red Wings, something to do with cars. I’m bored already.
2) What have they done to the Canadiens recently?
-Stars: besides taking Ribeiro in ’06 for a 5th round draft pick and some dude I’ve never heard of, not much.
-Flyers: dude I’ve never heard of now plays for the Flyers but the Flyers also ousted the Habs in round 2 of the playoffs. Henceforth, the Flyers lose my respect which they technically never had in the first place.
-Penguins: Maid Marian Hossa could’ve been sporting a Habs jersey this year in the playoffs. Would he have led the Canadiens to round 3? Probably not.
-Red Wings: If they harmed the Canadiens recently I can’t remember.
Winner: Red Wings
3) How many hot players make up the team?
-Stars: Up until Ribeiro got traded to the Stars I wasn’t even aware that Dallas had a sports team other than the Cowboys. Or that Texans were even into hockey for that matter. Stars are therefore disqualified from this question due to my ignorance.
-Flyers: None. End Scene.
-Penguins: Although Sidney Crosby is having a hard time growing a playoff beard – seriously, what is that on his face? – he’s still a cute kid. And Jordan Staal who may or may not be a convicted felon is also quite the looker. Marian Hossa looks like a transparent Viking who drew his playoff beard on with a highlighter but every other woman in North America seems to find him attractive so I’ll include him.
- Red Wings: They’re not all ugly but there isn’t one player who stands out. Maybe I’d let Osgood hit on me but he’d have to promise to introduce me to Tom Brady (all athletes know each other, right?).
4) How many StanleyCups does the team already have?
-Stars: 1 so I guess they’re due for another.
-Flyers, Penguins: 2, I guess they’re also due.
-Red Wings: 10, that’s enough.
5) Do they have mad skillz?
Well yeah, otherwise they wouldn’t have made it this far in the playoffs.
That settles it then. Now I need to practice yelling “Go Pens!” without bile coming up.