Albert Pujols Is a Dreamboat for the St Louis Cardinals

Walt HaleyContributor IAugust 5, 2009

ST. LOUIS, MO - JULY 14:  President Barack Obama hugs National League All-Star Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals after throwing the first pitch before the 2009 MLB All-Star Game at Busch Stadium on July 14, 2009 in St Louis, Missouri. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

The title worked better when I said it out loud.  On paper it just sounds gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It should be Albert Pujols is like a God.

I was listening to Mike and Mike this morning and they were talking about Albert Pujols’ numbers while batting with the bases loaded.

There are astronomical to say the least. Here they are:

  • This year he has come up to bat with the bases loaded, nine times.
  • He has seven hits and five of those hits are grand slams.
  • He has a total of 24 Runs Batted In during those at bats.

The insane part about the whole thing is, in those at bats he has only swung and missed the ball two times.

That, my friends, is someone who handles pressure well.

Top it off with a .687 slugging average and a hackers prayer of a triple crown shot. That is freaking crazy.

My only comparison in real life situations would be hitting a home run in wiffle ball, little league baseball and softball.  During those moment I thought those moments were euphoric. They were almost as satisfying as sex, or a warm brownie sundae (both of which have equal value in my opinion).

I have never hit a grand slam at any level, which has to take the cake. If I hit a grand slam, I would try and break the bat over my thigh (a la Bo Jackson) and stare the crappy pitcher down. “How dare you try and pitch to the Waltdog!” which would lead to me most likely breaking my thigh bone and winding up in the hospital.

It would be worth it though. When I got back to the team, I would still be celebrating, smashing full cans of beer on my forehead. (That is probably why I work in accounting and not in baseball).

That brings up the question—Is Albert Pujols the best baseball player of all time? He is creeping up the list pretty fast.

If he has five more Albert Pujols type years, I think he will be crowned the best player of all time, surpassing the likes of Willie Mays, Babe Ruth, Mickie Mantle and the like.

Two things are somewhat bothering me about this whole scenario:

1)  I really hope that he is 100 percent natural. I think he is but at this point in baseball history, would anyone be surprised if he got caught doing steroids or another performance enhancing drug? After the A-Rod and Manny debacles, I am skeptical of everyone in baseball. It is just the era we live in folks.

2)  I really wish he had a better name. His name is really fun to say. The first name Albert just sounds dorky and his last name is POO-HOLES. That is insane. How did he ever become famous with that name? That is throwing a wrench into my whole notion that your name makes you famous. That when your parents name you, they set up your destiny for you. Albert POO-HOLES sounds like a dirty dentist or something.

He does know how to crush a baseball though. I think teams should consider walking him with the bases loaded.