I am from the future. My name is Jon Conn-.. Jon Hall. I have been sent to deliver a message that all human life depends on.
Tennessee Titans Runningback Chris Johnson is not human. He was designed by machines and sent back in time to the present day to destroy NFL defenses.
These machines know that when the great Man vs. Metal war pops off, NFL defensive players would be the elite warriors of man. Chris Johnson's task is to take them out by vicious ankle-breaking jukes and demoralize them with astonishing speed.
I know, it sounds preposterous and like a bad Hollywood script, but please hear me out. Once you see the facts, you won't be able to deny the truth.
Let me start by delving into his past. If you were to ask the common football fan about Chris Johnson's college days, they probably couldn't tell you anything about it. A small number of the most elite, hardcore and knowledgeable Titans' fans might give a slightly better answer. They would say something along the lines of "Oh, he went to some small school I'm not familiar with. ECU or something."
Yes, if you look at Johnson's NFL bio, it says he attended this mystery school called ECU. Thanks to my in depth research, I discovered that ECU stands for East Carolina University. That's a nice name, I'm sure it's a very nice place... NOT!!!
WAKE UP, PEOPLE. EAST CAROLINA? THERE IS NO SUCH STATE.
Seriously, go check the map. There is a North Carolina, and a South Carolina, but no East Carolina.
If this fact alone doesn't make you suspect a Cybernetic Organism consisting of living tissue over a metal endoskeleton, then here are some more:
- No mortal man can run a 4.24 40-yard dash.
- No NFL rookie can rack up almost 1,500 total yards. That. does. not. happen.
- No mortal man can be an actual friend of Chad Johnson. That guy is just annoying!
- No mortal man can have a good rushing day against the Kansas City Chiefs! They crush people!
- Jeff Fisher is the only man on Earth that still has a mustache.
That last one doesn't go with the rest, I just felt like adding that in there.
Now let's take a look at Chris Johnson's Twitter account, where he gives updates of his daily life and talks to friends and fans. Twitter is the perfect place to SEND URGENT MESSAGES TO YOUR MACHINE EMPEROR-KING IN SECRET CODE, or to talk about how you just ate a yummy lunch.
"I'm sad buthappy to sayflorida here I comemy state and city loveme I'm in first classthis time mike mu found aboutmy last tweet hestep it up"
Look, everyone! You see English looking words, but they make little to no sense whatsoever. It's obvious he's communicating in some type of robot code. The machines of the future are looking back into Twitter's archives to receive his messages. Sly, Chris Johnson, but not sly enough.
What kind of a name is "Chris Johnson", anyway? The most common first and last names combined. The machines must think we are real idiots.
Starting to believe? There's more.
Remember in the 2008 Titans/Ravens playoff game when Ray Lewis and his Raven teammates tried to take Johnson out of the game by bending his body back behind his legs? Johnson was fine, and the next play ripped off a 10 yard run.
Of course, everyone knows he was then benched because Jeff Fisher had a sudden change of heart and, in an act of remorse for making LenDale White the backup RB nearly 18 weeks before, decided to make things right and clear his guilty conscience.
No mere mortal man could have withstood Ray Lewis ripping him in half.
I think that is when LenDale figured out the truth about Chris Johnson. That would perfectly explain why he had a public falling out with Chris and dropped the "Smash and Dash" moniker. And look at White now! The truth has him so utterly mortified that he is a shell of his former self, having lost his appetite and dropped 30 pounds.
Vince Young may also know. It made him contemplate suicide.
Albert Haynesworth, upon finding out, had to get the hell out of dodge.
Chris Simms didn't leave because he found out the truth. He just got cut, because he sucks.
I hope I have opened your eyes to the truth about Chris Johnson. The next time you see him ripping off a 99 yard run in 9 seconds, you'll know THE TRUTH behind why he is so good.
Chris Johnson knows now why you cry, but it is something he could never do.
That nervous head tick he does is probably a glitch in his neural-net processor.
No more of this "Every Coach's Dream" nickname. Call him by his true moniker:
Hasta la vista.