(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)
I don't know what to make of this ongoing Stephon Marbury story. For those of you who live under a rock, Marbury has been filming himself non-stop on his webcam for the last week. On one hand, it says everything about where we are as a society when a faded basketball player thinks its a good idea to broadcast his entire life before the cameras.
Here's one of the best point guards of the last 20 years crying on his to webcam to R. Kelly songs, eating Vaseline, causing auto accidents, and just being weird for all the world to see. I'm a fan of celebrity meltdowns and this one ranks right up there with Britney Spears cutting off all her hair, Mariah Carey's striptease on TRL, and a drunk David Hasselhoff crawling around on the floor like an boa constrictor and begging his distraught daughter for a hamburger.
But Marbury is twisted on a whole different level. We're watching his madness unfold on live webcam TV. It's like watching Matthew McConaughey in EDtv. Except there's one big difference.
Matthew wasn't crazy in that movie.
On the other hand, Stephon Marbury is so dangerously deranged that I'm waiting for Batman to swoop in and haul his psychotic behind to the Arkham Asylum.
Anyway, here's the deal. If I was reality king Mark Burnett, I would strongly consider a reality show based on Mr. Marbury.
Because as we've all seen from his Ustream
webcast, Marbury is loony, bananas, and (in the words of Tina Fey) "staunchly in favor of Cocoa Puffs." He would make for great reality TV.
And don't tell me that just because he's clearly insane that he somehow doesn't deserve his own show. Please. Have you seen I Love New York???
So what i decided to do was dedicate this post to the infamous shock jock. Here's my list for the 10 reality shows based on/starring Stephon Marbury. Mr. Burnett I hope you're reading!!!
After Spencer Pratt chokes to death on a pop tart, the show's producers decide to integrate the cast of the lily-white show. So who do they choose as their Jackie Robinson? Stephon Marbury, of course!
They decide that Marbury should be cast as Heidi Pratt's new love interest. But first they need her to sign a new contract agreeing to this, so they decide to ambush her at Spencer's funeral.
Heidi: "YOU GUYS GOT A LOT OF NERVE COMING HERE WITH THIS AT MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL! HOW DARE YOU! I AM IN MOURNING! I AM NOT SIGNING ANY FREAKING CONTRACT! I DON'T CARE WHO HE IS!!!"
The show's producers: "Stephon made $21 million dollars last year."
Heidi pulling a pen from her pocketbook:"So where do I sign?"
In this version of American Idol, Randy, Paula, and Simon offer insightful critiques of Marbury's career as the former All-Star stands on stage in front of them.
Randy: "Yo dog, I was really feeling you at Georgia Tech but you never should've forced that trade in Minnesota. You were playing with The Kid baby! The Big Ticket, Kevin Garnett! What were you thinking???"
Paula (crying with mascara running down her face): "You don't think I'm washed, up do you Steph? You think I'm still pretty don't you? I'm sorry I'm crying. I haven't had any vodka in two hours!"
Simon: "I gotta be brutally honest with you Steph. Your performance in the 2004 playoffs against Jason Kidd and the New Jersey Nets was bloody awful. It was the worst performance I've ever seen. Jason Kidd slapped you around so bad, even his wife Joumana felt sorry for you!"
Kendra (Season 2)
Marbury's wife is keenly aware of the fact that every time her husband is traded, his old team instantly becomes better and his new team instantly becomes worse. So she calls Kendra Baskett (formerly Kendra Wilkinson, known as one of The Girls Next Door).
Kendra, who is pissed at her husband Hank's inability to make the practice squad of the Philadelphia Eagles, decides that she doesn't want a loser athlete as her husband after all.
So she agrees to trade her husband for Stephon Marbury (with David Stern's blessing of course). What was Kendra's rationale?
Allow her to explain:
"I really don't know who Stephon Marbury is. I just know that unlike Hank, he doesn't suck. Oh, and he looks like Too Short. And anybody who has seen my show knows, I just looooove me some Too Short. I mean Too Short taught me how to pole dance. He taught me the lyrics to Blow*** Betty! I just love him!"
Steph goes to visit Kat Von D at the High Voltage Tattoo studio in Los Angeles. He wants another tattoo, this time on the other side of his head. He tells her that he wants a tat of somebody special, someone he has an "emotional connection" to. Viewers are stunned when he walks out of the celebrity parlor and into the L.A. sun smiling with a big picture of John Calipari etched onto the side of his dome!!!
Contestants on this show are confused when their boss, top chef Gordon Ramsay, tells them that the winner will be determined by the person who is the fastest to make Stephon Marbury's favorite dish, a Vaseline Burger with Cheese!!!
Steph & Kate Plus 8
Every since Jon Gosselin kicked Kate to the curb, producers of the popular TLC show have been scrambling to find a daddy for her and the kiddies. Enter Marbury!!! The first episode goes a little like this:
Marbury: "YO, I'M FROM CONEY ISLAND SON! YOU DON'T YELL AT ME FOR STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT! I'M A DO ME, I'M A DO ME, I'M A DO ME!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HUH? LARRY BROWN???"
Kate: "WHO THE HECK IS LARRY BROWN???"
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
After her split with Reggie Bush, Kim starts dating Starbury. Her copycat sisters, jealous that their famous sibling is dating a washed-up point guard from New York City, are soon seen on TMZ making out with Kenny Anderson and Sebastian Telfair.
After a night out drinking, Steph and his ex-New Jersey Net teammate Jayson Williams head back to Williams' mansion.
Steph (laughing): "Yo, I still can't believe you shot that limo driver son! That was the first shot your sorry butt ever made from 10 feet!"
Jayson (picking up a hunting rifle): "You know I still blame you for that. If you hadn't crashed into me during that game, I never would've torn my ACL. And if I hadn't torn my ACL, I never would've shot that guy because I would've been playing at the time it happened."
(Aims the rifle at Marbury . . .)
Steph: "YO SON! DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT ME!"
Suddenly Ashton Kutcher appears: "YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUNK'D MARBURY!!!"
Jayson: "Ha! Had you scared didn't I? Nah, I'm just playing!"
Jayson's limo driver runs into the room screaming: "Hey man you forgot to pay me!"
A startled Jayson turns and accidentally shoots the limo driver once in the chest.
(20 seconds of stunned silence . . .)
Stephon looks at Jayson: "Damn son! Not again!!!"
Ashton runs outside screaming to the show's producer: "START THE CAR! START THE CAR!"
My New BFF
Paris Hilton shockingly dies after choking to death on a pop tart so MTV decides to premiere this show instead starring Marbury and his BFF Isiah Thomas. Here are some highlights from Season 1.
Isiah and Steph come to blows on a flight to Dallas for the NBA All Star Game.
Isiah is sued by Anucha Browne Sanders for sexual harassment.
Isiah and Steph come to blows in a restaurant.
Steph has sex with a New York Knicks employee in the front seat of his Bentley.
Isiah is hospitalized after overdosing on Flintstone Vitamins.
Jerry Springer invites Isiah and Steph on his show so that they can resolve their issues. An emotional Steph breaks down and tells Isaiah, "I love you man." All of a sudden, a 300-pound transsexual named Larry walks out on stage, looks at Steph and says, "THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU TOLD ME LAST NIGHT!!!"
Dancing With The Stars
Unfortunately Marbury's run on this popular dance show is short. After his first dance with his partner Julianne Hough, judge Bruno tells Marbury that he was good but wonders if he's too "selfish" to share the spotlight with Hough. Marbury responds by running up to Bruno and punching him in the face while screaming:
"I'M FROM CONEY ISLAND SON! I'M A DO ME! WHO YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HUH? LARRY BROWN?"
Bruno sobbing hysterically: "BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!"