Kleeman's Jumphook: Analyzing the 2009-2010 NBA Schedule
Can you feel the anticipation in the air?
Can you see the climax in the distance, coming at you like creme and candy-filled chocolate bricks?
Don't you wish they would get it on already?
The rest of this column will not read like a script from a Judd Apatow film, I promise.
I would never make a list of "funny people," even if I folded my arms, ranted, and screamed as the "front-runner" pictured above does on a regular basis.
I bring up Stan Van Gundy—the guy who said experience didn't matter after choking away Game 4 of the NBA Finals, and who will coach a more traditional outfit than the berserk, trey-bomber that won the Eastern Conference—because the release of the NBA's 2009-10 schedule Tuesday afternoon gives him more reason to be sour.
Isn't that akin to telling a paranoid schizophrenic: "Yup, they're after you," in a dark closet?
With that in mind, I decided to break up my analysis of the coming season's schedule into two lists of five items.
Five slights, observations and schedule mistakes
1. The Orlando Magic will play a home game on Christmas Day, but it won't be against the Los Angeles Lakers. While the prospect of a Celtics-Magic matinee rematch on ABC is tantalizing in its own right, a duel with the Lakers at Staples Center would have been better.
Put all of the asterisks you want on Orlando's run to the Finals, but the Magic still won the conference, and it would be great to see how far the inexperienced squad has come since it lost to a team that knew what it was doing in crunch time.
Even if the championship series ended in five games, three of them were as entertaining and riveting as most of the games in the three playoff jousts that went the distance.
Both Lakers-Magic regular-season meetings came down to Jameer Nelson rallying Orlando with three-point heroics late in the fourth quarter. The matches pitting the eventual finalists were some of the best of the season.
Take away the routs in Games 1 and 5 in the Finals and the other three contests were compelling. A missed alley-oop layup, bricked free throws, Derek Fisher's threes.
Ah, the tension. Why doesn't the NBA feel it?
2. Yao-ch. The biggest loser in terms of national TV coverage compared to a season ago is the Houston Rockets.
Could the offseason get any worse?
The Rockets land on NBA TV seven times, but not on ESPN, ABC or TNT.
As a fan, I'm not going to argue that a crippled team with no All-Stars deserves the same number of prime spots as last year, when Ron Artest, Tracy McGrady, and Yao Ming were expected to form a "big three."
The Rockets, instead, have become the "big ouch."
I do find it interesting, though, that the defenseless Phoenix Suns, who failed to qualify for the playoffs despite full health for most of the season, play on ABC and ESPN as much as they do.
3. We humans have a strange attraction to blow up scenes and car wrecks.
Maybe that's why Christmas showdowns featuring the two most embarrassing teams of the decade—the L.A. Clippers (at Phoenix) and New York Knicks (at Miami)—sound like a blast ... in a sick, comical sort of way.
Both teams will try to shed losing mantras, and we'll know by the holidays if either squad is up to the task.
So, open those presents, kiss under the mistletoe, eat something grand—and watch the teams Isiah Thomas and Donald Sterling ruined!
4. The NBA and national networks said "we'll pass" to the New Jersey Nets, Milwaukee Bucks, Charlotte Bobcats, and Sacramento Kings.
The four bottom-feeders garnered no network love, unless you include prospective games on NBA TV or fan night.
Eh. I'll pass, too.
Conversely, the league's haves and projected title contenders are not hurting for exposure.
Including NBA TV dates, the recharged San Antonio Spurs will play in 29 nationally televised games.
Not including NBA TV dates, of which there are sure to be many, the reigning champion Lakers will appear 25 times on ESPN, ABC or TNT.
I think you get the point. Look up the rest yourself.
5. Dear beloved NBA, can we stop the ill-advised Kobe-LeBron and Kobe-Shaq fascination?
Do the league's schedulers need to be reminded that few games in the last five years featuring these supposed rivalries have been competitive?
If you're excited about the Cavs-Lakers Christmas battle, you cannot attribute it to the quality of the basketball.
The Lakers manhandled the Cavaliers by an average of 13 points in both meetings last season, and were the only team to beat James' squad at Quicken Loans Arena when he played—the other home loss came against the Philadelphia 76ers in which the Cleveland starters rested.
Those two contests, televised on TNT and ABC, respectively, showed James' shortcomings more than his brilliance.
Forced to carry his team the way Bryant no longer has to, James shot horribly from everywhere and looked amateurish next to the now four-time champion.
The Lakers also destroyed the Shaq-infused Suns in three of the four meetings. Phoenix led by double figures in its lone win for most of the game.
Shaq versus Kobe and LeBron versus Kobe has become as tired and pathetic as Kiss's rehashed reunion tours.
If Cher or Cyndi Lauper opts for another farewell tour, buy some tickets. Either show would be more original than this crap.
Please.
NBA.com, Yahoo! Sports, ESPN, Sports Illustrated and countless others will sell you the juicy, must-watch, nationally-televised matchups. With that in mind, I decided to dig up five games not on the networks that any dedicated hoops fan should mark on the calendar.
The reasons to watch the Lakers get championship rings on opening night are obvious. Ditto for the quintuple-header on Christmas day and any joust involving two championship hopefuls.
Instead of following the pack, I give you these hidden gems to enjoy, in no particular order:
1. Houston Rockets at Charlotte Bobcats (Tuesday, Jan. 12)
Both teams will struggle to score enough points to make the playoffs, with Houston's All-Star anchors in street clothes indefinitely and Charlotte's rampant cost cutting. However, they promise to rank as two of the league's best defensive teams.
It should surprise no one—even after miserable summers for the respective fan bases—if both squads compete harder than several with superior talent.
With both teams sure to be locked in a make-the-playoffs mode, this one is a can't miss for those who delight in what happens on the defensive end, or who like supreme coaches.
In this affair, it's Larry Brown and Rick Adelman, two tacticians known to get the most out of what they have.
2. San Antonio Spurs at Milwaukee Bucks (Saturday, Dec. 26)
Only a Spurs fan could convince you to watch what might seem like a sure-fire dud.
Trust me. This one will be worth a few hours of your life.
The Bucks are the only team with a winning record against the Spurs in the Tim Duncan era.
The star forward's usual response when reminded his team is headed for the Bradley Center: "yuck."
The Bucks handed the Spurs two close losses last season and swept the season series in 2007, when San Antonio hosted its fourth championship celebration.
With Richard Jefferson on deck, Gregg Popovich might be able to solve his oddest worst nightmare.
This will also be Jefferson's return to Milwaukee, if anybody cares about that.
3. LA Clippers at Oklahoma City Thunder (Friday, March 3)
So, first I bash the Clippers and then tell you to watch them play in Oklahoma City?
Yup.
With the Rockets headed for a possible injury-plagued freefall and the Suns' "what the hell are they doing?" offseason, one of these teams sneaking in as an eighth seed is not a ridiculous idea.
Both teams are loaded with talent, and the Clippers will come armed with first pick Blake Griffin, expected to turn Sterling's awful sideshow into a winner.
If Mike Dunleavy doesn't ruin things with dreadful coaching, Griffin could do it as soon as this year.
The Thunder, guided wisely by GM Sam Presti, boast an athletic core of youngsters eager to take the next step.
Kevin Durant alone is reason to watch this. How does the one-time UT star not have NBA scoring champion written all over him?
If the young nucleus learns to defend and move the ball up to its potential, and the Clippers don't do the usual Clipper thing, this contest could mean a lot in March.
4. Boston Celtics at Minnesota Timberwolves (Wednesday, Nov. 4)
Distraught and increasingly disillusioned and disinterested Minnesota fans will turn out to see former franchise star Kevin Garnett for the foreseeable future.
You should show up, too.
The two games between these polar opposites in the 2007-08 Celtics championship campaign were nail biters, with each coming down to the last possession.
You may have seen clips of Garnett bumping his chest after a clutch defensive play in the duel at TD Banknorth Garden.
Of all the supposed clunkers I watched on NBA league pass that year, these scintillating matchups did not fit that description.
Garnett will no doubt be trash talking Al Jefferson again, and the one-time Celtic will have another chance to show a potential Hall of Famer that his game has grown.
The Timberpuppies need some defensive bite, but another year of development for a mostly young core could bring such an improvement.
This joust might carry more entertainment value if the inept Kevin McHale had not twice traded away the creative wing scorer (Brandon Roy, O.J. Mayo) the roster still lacks.
5. Indiana Pacers at Los Angeles Lakers (Tuesday, March 2)
If you like high scoring affairs, and last season's pair of thrillers is any indication, this one's for you.
The Pacers won the first meeting in Indiana with a Troy Murphy tip-in at the buzzer. The Lakers won in L.A. with Bryant game-winner.
Jim O' Brien's Pacers represent the ultimate lottery underdog, relying on hustle, heart and luck to slay the dragon.
Phil Jackson's Lakers embody the sometimes arrogant giant without equal, prone to concentration and effort lapses, each of which sets the stage for close games against cellar dwellers.
Indiana boasts plenty of creative point makers, led by All-Star Danny Granger, and Los Angeles employs a tall, versatile lineup no one could match last season.
Also, Bryant-stopping pest Dahntay Jones changed addresses and will be one to watch. Does he have a few more trips up his sleeve?
Get out the popcorn and the pacemaker and ready yourself for a high-scoring shootout.
