A Template to Help the OJ Mayos Achieve an Education

Dear (University of Southern California Coach or any other big time program),

My name is (insert fake name) from (an official sounding agency works best). I represent an athlete from (preferably some small town that is too hard to find for the average college coach). His name is (okay to use his real name) and he stars in (basketball or football). He has led his team to numerous championships playing (position in respective sport). He currently is interested in leading your academic institution to an NCAA Title!

For him to play for your institution of higher learning however, some accommodations will have to be made. For starters, he will need a brand new car and not just something that takes him from A to B, but a car that will turn heads!

He will also require a new wardrobe each semester, a new cell phone with the plan paid for, and various household appliances like flat screen TVs and the like.

His “job” is to win games, not to learn about art history or business calculus. His studies should never interfere with his sport so a tutor/person to do all of his work, will be required.

Demands like these made by an agent for a high school kid may look like red flags, but red flags, schmed flags I say! How do you think the Yankees convinced A-Rod to sign? Why do you think that Rashard Lewis chose Orlando? Because they offered the most money!

Signing high school kids to your school is no different. If you do not comply with our requests, my athlete will be forced to play for (list school’s most intense rivals even though he may have no interest in attending). You would not want my star athlete to be winning NCAA Championships with another school would you?

If you are new to the “game” and are a little confused as to how the process works, go to Blockbuster and rent Blue Chips. That is the movie where Nick Nolte buys Shaq, Penny Hardaway and the second coming of Larry Bird to play for his college team.

Just watch the first three quarters of the movie as the ending is a little mushy when Nolte listens to his conscience and turns himself in.

Speaking of which, that feeling inside your stomach right now is not your conscience screaming at you to avoid this situation, but rather, it is that intense desire to win NCAA Championships!

Besides you cannot be afraid of sanctions! Sanction, smanctions I say. You owe it to my athlete to provide him a means to get an education and play collegiate ball. You know what they say; “College is the best one year of your life if you play basketball, and the best three years of your life if you play football!”

                                                    GO (Trojans or other school’s mascot)!!!!

                                                             (insert that fake name again)

Further instructions for agents: Delete everything in parenthesis after you fill out the information. Coaches are not that blind/stupid. Also, use a PO Box address and only deal with cash. If the whole steroid situation taught us anything, it is this: NEVER USE CHECKS WHEN DEALING WITH POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS. Do not forget to delete this message as well. Best of Luck!