Is Wrestling Having a Negative Influence on Your Life?
Wrestling fans tune in to WWE Raw, Smackdown, and TNA Impact, among other wrestling shows in order to see their favorite performers go to battle each week. For two hours fans, are sucked into the drama surrounding the superstars in the ring.
The only problem is that there are some fans that don't know how to separate the action on the TV screen from their everyday lives. Without further ado, here are ten indications that wrestling may be having a negative influence on your daily life.
10. You have an alias.
Most wrestlers perform under false names, and this has inspired you to assume a new identity. You demand that all of your friends, family members, classmates, co-workers, and random people you meet on the street call you by your new name: Seymour Butts.
You refuse to respond to anything other than this name, and you've had your birth name legally changed so that you can use this name everywhere you go.
9. You suffer from paranoia.
You are constantly looking over your shoulder thinking that you are going to get jumped by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. You're afraid to open closet doors in fear that The Boogeyman is inside ready to sing you a nursery rhyme.
Whenever the lights go out, you anxiously exit the room in fear that Sabu, Sting, or The Undertaker will be standing behind you when the lights come back on.
8. You suffer from the Napoleon Complex.
You decided to finally stand up to your nemesis. The only problem is that he is over seven feet tall, while you are five and a half feet tall.
You watched the likes of Evan Bourne and Rey Mysterio take on Khali, Kane, Mike Knox, and The Big Show, and thought you could do it too. It is for this very reason that you are laying in a hospital bed.
7. There is only one way to solve disputes.
Long gone are the days when you tried to reason with those who argue with you. Nowadays you shut them up by getting you minions to beat them down for you, giving you the opportunity to deliver a punt to their skull.
The only reason you will avoid assault charges is because you claim to have "intermittent explosive disorder."
6. You expect a grand entrance everywhere you go.
Whether it be your school, work, bedroom, or the grocery store, you expect theme music to be played every time you walk through the door because you are that important.
You expect to receive a louder pop than Stone Cold Steve Austin, have pyro showering you on your way to the ring, and Lilian Garcia announcing your arrival.
In reality, you will get none of that. There may be music playing when you enter the grocery store, but when is there not? You will however manage to get a crowd pop equal to that of Shelton Benjamin.
5. You carry a belt over your shoulder.
Because you are the champion of the world, you took it upon yourself to have a belt made in your honor. You now have your own custom belt made of aluminum foil that was wrapped over a circular-cut piece of cardboard and glued onto the middle of the black belt you wore to church last Sunday.
Don't forget the spinning Hotwheel that was placed in the middle of the belt. Look at it this way, your belt is worth as much as the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
4. You believe you have nine lives.
Like many other wrestling fans, The Undertaker is probably one of your favorite wrestlers, and you want to imitate everything he does.
I warn you though, before you lock yourself into a flaming casket, or agree to be buried alive just remember that wrestling is scripted and chances are that you won't come back like the Undertaker does.
3. Your favorite wrestlers are Rob Van Dam, Brian Kendrick, and Jeff Hardy.
If this is the case you are probably involved with illegal substances, some of which may cause you to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly."
Just make sure that said substances are not present in your car the next time a police officer pulls you over, you are not falling asleep while performing at extended heights, and that your occupation does not drug test its employees.
2. You asked for a refund after seeing the most recent Superman movie.
You were expecting the Man of Steel to be played by non other than John Cena, and were deeply disappointed when that was not the case.
Instead of an hour and a half of Cena reciting his heroic phrases full of monosyllabic words such as, "The champ is here" or "You can't see me," you paid to see some guy who was simply pretending to be Superman.
1. You are failing geometry.
Anyone who has taken a geometry class knows that a postulate is used to prove that triangles are similar or congruent. Postulates include similarities by way of angle-side-angle, side-angle-side, side-side-side, and angle-angle among others.
Although you are fully aware of these postulates, you are failing because the answers to all your tests are Angle-Jarrett-Angle.
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