Twenty20 Football League Replaces The English Premier League [Humor]

KabeeR JoshiCorrespondent IAugust 2, 2009

The Premier League chiefs have astounded the world with a football version of the Twenty20 cricket tournament.

Premier League officials are keen to profit from the success and popularity of cricket’s Twenty20 tournament format.

They have announced plans to have their own Twenty20 competition which will run for two weeks after the football season has ended.

Smith Moore, a spokesman for the Premier League, gave this statement to an eager press room:

"A study commissioned by the Premier League to study the habits of football fans when the football season had finished, found many football fans were watching Twenty20 cricket, it seemed obvious to us an ideal offering to these fans would be to combine the excitement of Twenty20 cricket with the even more exciting sport of football and this is how we got Twenty20 Football.”

The reporters are so thrilled to hear the news and started shooting questions at Mr. Moore:

Reporter:” Could you please tell us more about the rules in detail Mr. Moore?”

Smith Moore: “Hell yeah. The rules of the competition are simple.”

The special board of members created by F.A. will select the teams who could participate in this format.

It totally depends on them what teams they think would bring more excitement to the game.

Each team will play two games a day.

You have two halves of twenty minutes, which makes a 40 min football game. For the first 10 minutes of every half you have a “Power Play” where one of the teams must have six of the eleven players in the opponents half.  

The other team must not park the bus in front of the net, saying that the opposite team must not have more than seven players in their own half defending against the team who has selected “Power Play”.

To add to the exhilaration you will get two goals for goals scored with shots outside of the area and two goals for overhead kicks and diving headers.

However there are few housekeeping rules to this format.

Every team must comprise of at least seven forwards or strikers or “attack minded” players. Because the Twenty20 football is made to bring the excitement.

Twenty20 is not made for the teams to show their beautiful play and not to score like Arsenal FC or to show ugly football tactics and defend with 10 players like Chelsea FC.

The team that scores less than five goals in a game will be penalised.

The wife or the girlfriend or the current official partner of the captain will have to perform a “professional” striptease in front of the home crowd.  

Please note the partner must be of the opposite sex, preferably a female with no more than size 12 body.

In the event of the captain being single, the rule rolls over to the vice-captain and so on.

Moore turned on his heels and with a brief salute to the press corps was gone amid a frenzied room of reporters barking questions like "will Cristiano Ronaldo play?", "do offsides count double?", "What does Graham Taylor have to say about this?"

Rumours of David Beckham making a comeback were quickly whispered around the room and a brief rendition of Fog on the Tyne swirled round the room dying as quickly as it had begun.

Mr Moore quickly took the charge of the press and continued answering their questions.

The off-side rule remains pretty much the same with new inclusions, Moore added.

Off-side Rule: 

Just like in cricket where the captains agree to play the match within the “spirit of the game”, football Twenty20 is no different.

There will be no lines man in this game, giving the opportunity, to play the game in the “spirit of the beautiful game”, to the goal keepers to decide if it was an off side or not.

To keep the excitement going on, one goal will be deducted from the total for the team performing more than two offsides in one “power play”.

Penalty rule:

The decision for the penalty resides on the “diving” player, not on the keeper. If the “diver” truly believes and takes the oath that he really did not fake the dive, then the penalty will be awarded to that team.

But, in case of the following players, the decision will rely on the keeper.  

Cristiano “dive-rhino” Ronaldo

Didier Dog-ba

Lion-like Mess-i.

Ade-bayor or Abe-dior or whatever, you know it.

"The most exciting change from the traditional football game is here," Mr. Moore explained.

The “Yellow Kick” rule:

When the player is “rewarded” with a yellow card, the keeper of the opposite team will be given to score a goal from his side of the net.

The keeper will kick the ball towards the opponent’s empty net. No player or the keeper from the yellow carded team will defend the ball.   

If he scores the goal from that “Yellow Kick” the team will be awarded with two goals.

The “Red Kick” rule:

It is exactly the same as “Yellow Kick” with two changes.

It is awarded to the opponent’s keeper when the player is given a red card, practically means to “f**k off” from the game.

And the keeper needs to kick the ball from the middle of the pitch, instead of his own net which is the case in “Yellow Kick”.

Only one goal will be counted if he scores from “Red Kick”.

The draw rule or The “Real Goal” rule:

In case of teams scoring same number of goals, we will perform an exercise called “The Real Goal”.

Mr. Moore explains, both the team managers will be given the opportunity to kick 3 times into the net with their “own keeper” defending. The winner will be separated exactly how we do it in a penalty shoot.

In the event of the managers being too old or suffering from Arthritis, the scoring opportunity will be passed on to the assistant manager.

For the year 2009-2010 the following teams have been selected and fixture list will be available from the twenty20 football official website.


Manchester Utd

Manchester City

Liverpool FC

Everton FC

Chelsea FC

Fulham FC

Tottenham Hotspurs FC

Arsenal FC

Aston Villa

Stoke City FC

It is being reported that the Twenty20 football league will replace the ill-thought, boring, and big four dominated league of “38 hopeless games” with much more joy and enthusiasm.

“The whole idea behind it is to replace the EPL one day,” concluded Mr. Moore.

The possible World Cup clash was moved out of the way by the Twenty20 League spokesperson. He added:

“World Cup is dead, long live the League.”


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