Michael Vick Leads Lions to First Super Bowl Victory (Satire)

Aaron LiebmanAnalyst IJuly 30, 2009

Michael Vick, who at this time last year was trying to avoid dropping the soap, has now led the Motor City to its first NFL championship in over 50 years.  Vick, the game’s MVP, threw the game-winning touchdown pass to receiver Plaxico Burress with only 17 seconds left in the game to defeat the AFC Champion Denver Broncos.

The Lions achieved their first playoff victories since 1991 first by defeating San Francisco, causing their coach Mike Singletary to moon the entire team on the sideline. 

Then, in the NFC championship game, they defeated division rival Minnesota and Comeback Player of the Year, Tarvaris Jackson.  Even though Jackson led his team to victory this season, his three interceptions in the game prompted Vikings ownership to make their annual phone call to Brett Favre to come out of retirement.  Favre answered that he was staying retired but would continue to throw as well as put on pads and a helmet and even simulate throwing interceptions and falling on the ground.

The Broncos, with league MVP Kyle Orton, now have become the first team in the NFL to lose five Super Bowls, but that does not take away all they accomplished this season.  Criticized for his handling of former quarterback Jay Cutler, coach of the year Josh McDaniels led his team to a surprising conference title.

In other news, the annulment of Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady’s marriage was finalized the Friday before the Super Bowl.  Bundchen cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split, and specified it was due to Brady wearing all of her makeup, cosmetics, gels, and hogging the mirror.

After another disappointing season, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has now asked owner Jerry Jones to bring back Terrell Owens now that his one year contract with the Bills is up.  Romo also demanded that in order to help with his development that Jones fire the water boy, tee boy, hot dog vendor, and finally, re-signed placekicker Mike Vanderjagt, who called Romo out on the show “Rome Is Burning” by questioning his lack of leadership.

Finally, it was confirmed this week by Commissioner Roger Goodell that in addition to the annual European regular season game, more would be played at other foreign places including Sydney, Australia; Rio de Janeiro, Brazil; Bangkok, Thailand; and finally the Congo. 

Meanwhile, Los Angeles has been granted the right to host a Pop-Warner scrimmage of the first place winners of the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition.  Goodell also announced that since more homes get transmission of the Versus Channel and Soap Opera Network than NFL Network, that the weekly Thursday games will now be Pay-Per-View.