Manchester City Reveal New Strategy for Breaking Premier League Top Four

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Manchester City Reveal New Strategy for Breaking Premier League Top Four
(Photo by Lefty Shivambu/Gallo Images/Getty Images)

The deal has been done. Kolo Toure is the latest Arsenal player to transfer from the North London club to the Citizens of Manchester. The transfer fee this time around was believed to be £16 million, following on from the £25 million acquisition of Emmanuel Adebayor.

This should be a day to rejoice for the Manchester City faithful, but underneath the headlines and behind the big name deals lies a more concerning development. The loss of a document vital to the future of Manchester City's plans for world domination.

Manchester City CEO Garry Cook said, “I couldn't believe it. I left my flashy sports car in a dingy underground car park in Manchester. The documents were placed safely, in plain view, on the passenger seat. I don't understand how any criminal could see an opportunity here. One marvels at the mind of the modern crook.”

Quite. But rather than recycle the papers like any honourable citizen would (clearly a Red Devil at heart this criminal), the perpetrator went on to publish the documents in their entirety on the world wide web. Apparently on a blog posting headlined: Ilovecoleen.

Detectives are flummoxed by the cunning enigma. While they call in a certain Inspector Jacques Cousteau to solve the mystery, we better take a deeper look at the devious plot.

Allegedly, Manchester City have decided to abandon the strategy of signing any available forward/striker/Brazilian and moved onto a more macabre scheme. The plan?

Sign the entire Arsenal squad.

They've bagged Ade, grabbed Kolo, and as soon as they hear Eboue is in negotiations with Fiorentina, they are bound to pounce. In fact, they are banking on Arsenal being open to selling their entire first-team squad.

An unnamed Welsh source inside the club (hint: not Craig Bellamy) revealed when questioned, “That's certainly a policy we will be following. Arsenal have a squad of young players that are capable of breaking into the top four, because they are one of the big four.

"That's what we want at this club, to be big and to be four, and we don't care how much oil money we have to spend to get there.”

Remarkably, the current Arsenal board appear to be open to the suggestion of selling their entire first team playing staff to an emerging rival.

Chairman of Arsenal Holdings PLC, Peter Hill-Wood, made this statement, “Yes we've qualified for the Champions League for 12 successive seasons, but what you've got to consider that Arsenal is now more than a football club. We are also a property developer.”

“As such, we have to consider how we can best use our assets, in terms of resale value,” the aging gentleman continued. “It's clear that an opportunity like this doesn't present itself often, and considering the current economic climate, we believe it would be best for all parties if we sold the first team squad. Our youth team won the FA Cup you know, so there is no need to worry.”

When pressed about how Arsenal would spend the money generated from the unprecedented sale, Hill-Wood said, “Buying Canary Wharf primarily, then we'd invest in the acquiring part of the Himalayas.

"That would go well with the Hill-Wood brand. Then we'd spend the rest of money in IKEA, we haven't had a good Swedish import in these parts since Freddie Ljungberg.”

A deal of this magnitude, it seems, would suit all parties. Manager Arsene Wenger wasn't available for comment, it is believed he is pre-booking a one way flight to Madrid for the summer of 2010.

Apparently you get the tickets for cheaper if you book now.

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