Picture: Whenever I see these, I just think of used Tampons
Mothers Day is usually a time for sons and daughters everywhere to show their appreciation for the hard work and time their Mother’s put into raising them. Well, no matter how lavish the presents are, nothing can mask the disappointment these mother’s have for their MLB-playing sons.
10. Brad Hawpe—After hitting .291, 116 RBI, and almost 30 HRs, Brad certainly set high expectations for himself this year. So far he’s hitting around .250 (after a hot streak) and has worse stats all across the board than Ken Griffey Jr., who is older than John McCain.
He’s also letting down millions of his fantasy mothers who jumped the gun at ADP 75 (myself included). If only his mother had the chance to cut her losses and drop him from the family.
9. Francisco Liriano—Tommy John surgery is usually an indicator for a pitcher past his prime that his career is pretty much over. So it’s definitely not a good sign when a 20-year-old is having it. Much like a truck-stop toilet stall, when the Twins sent this rookie phenom back to the minors, they were basically putting an “Out of Order Until Further Notice” sign around his neck.
8. Bill Hall—Bill Hall is usually not very good at baseball (professionally). The only day his mother could look forward to was Mother’s Day, because for the past two seasons, Hall has gone deep in honor of his Mommy.
But this year, not only is he hitting below the Mendoza line (.197), he couldn’t even hit one measly home run for the woman who spent 42 hours in labor with him. What an unappreciative asshole.
7. Miguel Cabrera—His Mom obviously loves him way too much. Please stop sending him all those care packages filled with delicious homemade treats. Once he loses twenty to fifty pounds, he actually might be worth his $153.3 million contract.
6. Richie Sexson—All records of Sexson should be stricken from the MLB record books. Not only is he untalented, he also does not play well with others. His giant waste of a contract is over after this season, so it’s anyone’s guess who his adoptive parents will be next year. Brian Sabean is favored at 450 to 1 odds.
5. Ryan Howard—Curse you Ryan, for always absolutely blowing against LHP (career .225 vs. .308 against RHP) and for the first two months of the season:
Ryan Howard:baseball::Shawshank Redemption:movies
4. Justin Verlander—Get your mustache in gear and throw some Ks. If you don’t get your ass in check, we’ll all forget you pitched a no-hitter last year faster than a Jewish mother disowning her child for marrying a gentile.
3. Nick Swisher—Much like the rest of us, Nick’s mother had high hopes for him this season. Going from a pitcher-friendly park to the ballpark where the most homeruns were hit in 2007 can do wonders for any hitter’s career. But Nick’s mother should have listened when Paul Konerko’s mom warned her not to expect much.
2. Eric Gagne—This guy is the Hillary Clinton of baseball; why won’t he just quit already?
1. Andruw Jones—When Juan Pierre has more RBI (12) than you do (five), you should probably kill yourself. Oh, and did I mention Juan Pierre didn’t even start in April? It’s a sad day for Dodger Nation when the Giants made a better free agent pick-up (Rowand).