This list excludes movies that star actual athletes, since, of course, they'd be the best. It also doesn't include movies about real athletes because that is also not fair. And boring.
So here are the top 10 athletes in movie history.
10. David Simms—Tin Cup
This guy was the man. Roy "Tin Cup" McAvoy might have had more talent but boozing and having one of the biggest stoners in American history as your caddie don't equal victories. Just ask John Daly. Sure, Simms was a smug prick who hates kids and dogs, but it was genius when he hit that drive down the street to beat Mr. Cup.
You might be asking, "Why isn't Rocky, who was heavyweight champ multiple times, higher on this list?"
Well that's because in Rocky Balboa, the last installment of the series, the scoreboard before the fight against Mason "the Line" Dixon (the worst Rocky opponent name ever by the way. At least Tommy Gunn was badass sounding. The Line? Not cool. Maybe if it was Nose "the Line" Candy. That would have been pretty awesome), it showed that Rocky's career record is something like 57-23-1. Then he lost.
In fact, he lost TWICE in his own movies. But still, 24 losses? Sorry, but I don't think Ivan Drago went on to lose 23 more bouts. (But I think the Russians might have executed him after the Rocky fight.)
8. Henry Rowengartner—Rookie of the Year
12 years old, throws 100 MPH heat. That's pretty impressive.
Even when he trips, falls, is no longer able to throw the cheese, and reverts into his old, no skills self, he is crafty enough to still retire the side in a big game. Throwing a floater is still pretty gay though. Greg Maddux would never do that.
7. Lance Harbor –Varsity Blues
It was a shame what happened to Lance. He was clearly next in line for football superstardom before hurting his knee. He was on his way to play for a still competent Bobby Bowden at Florida State.
He was likely on his way to multiple Heismans and National Titles, while destroying Rex Grossman led Florida Gators teams year after year. He would have been selected No. 1 by the expansion Houston Texans in 2002. After only three seasons in the league, the Hall of Fame would have changed its rules to allow Harbor to be inducted while still playing. Meanwhile, the Texans become football’s greatest dynasty, and Tom Brady is a nobody who doesn't ever get to bang Giselle.
But that wasn't the case. Instead, he hurt his knee and was out of football. He stayed in West Canaan where his girl and her whipped cream bikinis left him for fucking Dawson.
6. Shep (Shepherd)—Above the Rim
Another victim of tragic circumstances. His promising basketball career was cut short due to his friend, um, accidentally falling off a roof to his death while playing basketball with Shep.
The thought of playing again caused Shep too much pain, which is ridiculously retarded. But years later, he becomes a security guard. When he starts banging the mother of a basketball stud, he feels the need to guide him and offer him his wisdom.
What he doesn't realize is that his kid is going to teach him just as much about life as he teaches him. Oh well, that crap doesn't matter.
What matters is that when they play one on one, Shep DESTROYS him, and this kid is going on to star at Georgetown. I think the moral of the story was don't play basketball on the roof of a high rise.
5. Roy Hobbs—The Natural
Would have been the greatest ever if that bitch Harriet Bird didn't shoot him. I mean, he struck out The Whammer on three pitches as a 19-year-old. The white Ken Griffey Jr. of his fake era.
4. Kelly Leak—Bad News Bears
Henry Rowengartner was pretty awesome for being in the bigs at age 12, but he didn't have shit on Kelly Leak. First of all, he was badass enough to be awesome despite being named Kelly.
He was smoking, drinking, and riding a motorcycle as a 12-year-old. As soon as he joined the Bears, their season turned around and they started winning.
Also, I heard there were some deleted scenes where Kelly beat up some gang members and ate them. And it wasn't in the script. It was all improved on the spot.
3. Happy Gilmore
Wins the tour championship in his first year. And by first year, I don't mean first year on the tour, I mean first year of PLAYING GOLF PERIOD.
That is remarkable. All it took was going to one round of mini golf and finding his "happy place,” which is so weird because his name was also "happy.”
2. Jimmy Chitwood–Hoosiers
I don't know if he ever missed a shot. Ever. He would have been No. 1 on this list because you know, being able to make every shot is a pretty good skill set to have on the basketball court, but he was kind of a prima donna for not playing until halfway through the season.
1. Derice Bannock–Cool Runnings
Was clearly on his way to the Olympics as a world class sprinter, but that loser tripped him and destroyed his dreams. Like a crazy person, he never gives up, and decides to start a bobsled team (in Jamaica! They don't even have snow!!).
Of course he makes it to the Olympics because everybody knows that sprinters make the best bobsledders.
Considering this is the second time that Leon Robinson (the actor) appears on this list (see Shep, No. 6), this also makes him the greatest actor/athlete in history.
Plus, he got to bang Madonna in that Like a Prayer video when she was still hot. I don't care how many baseball movies Kevin Costner does, he's got nothing on Leon.