Cincinnati Reds: Nothing Nice To Say—Don't Say Anything at All

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Cincinnati Reds: Nothing Nice To Say—Don't Say Anything at All
(Photo by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images)

I really hope I can stick to those wise words but, you see, as a "Featured Columnist", I am obligated to write three articles per week concerning my beloved Redlegs.  And right now, I can barely bring myself to watch them.

That's mostly because of these awful afternoon games. 

You see, I am a late riser.  One would think that with my new "Featured Columnist" status, Reds' owner, Bob Castellini, would somehow accommodate the schedule to fit my liking.

For example, I enjoyed it when we were on the west coast (the start times—not the games).  Still a bit early for my liking but I'll take a 10 o' clock start time any day.  

Home games still at 7 p.m.?  Bobby, what are you thinking?  I've barely started my morning coffee.

Still trying to think of something nice to say.  I am a little disappointed that the Bleacher Report deal with Getty Images does not provide a single stock photo of Rick Sweet. 

I shouldn't complain.  It did have this "This Sucks" image which sparked my article idea.

Rick Sweet is the Reds' AAA manager down in Louisville who would be a perfect fit as the new Reds' manager. 

I'd really like to write an article on his struggles through the minors, his brief stint as an MLB catcher, and what he would bring to the Reds' table that Dusty can not.  But I refuse until I have a proper photo.

A scan of my 1983 Topps card of Sweet is out of the question.  His white man afro and biker gang moustache make him look like a character from the film Boogie Nights

Maybe I shouldn't drink so much coffee at night. 

But hitting the coffee shop in the p.m. is so much more exciting than in the morning hours.  For example, in the a.m. would I be reminded of the beach by the smell of fried fish coming from a restaurant?

But there is a downside to heroic amounts of evening caffeine.

It's much easier to become agitated over silly little things—like the fact that the top five writers on the Reds' page now includes a guy who calls himself "Heartbeat of the Bronx".

The guy writes one article mentioning Bronson Arroyo.  It gets bookoo reads and he's now ranked fourth?  What the crud?  Has he fanned every baseball writer or something?  Whoops.

I have nothing against the Yankees as a team.

However, many Yankee fans remind me of spoiled brats who make fun of poor kids wearing the cheap Wal-Mart sneakers to school instead of the $500 trainers.

Is that Heartbeat guy to be blamed for infiltrating our top five?

Absolutely not.  If you want somebody to blame, look in the mirror, Reds' fans. Then write an article.

As this one proves, it really doesn't matter what your piece is about. 

If you're a girl, do a quick slide show on the hottest Reds' writers.  If you're a guy, do a quick slide show on the hottest wives of Reds' players.

Slide shows that mention "hottest" anything are guaranteed at least 20,000 reads.

Alright, maybe B/R will hook me up with a shot of Rick Sweet so I can show Bobby why this managerial switch makes so much sense.  A picture of Mario Soto and Ted Power would also be nice—they'd be my co-pitching coaches.

Replacing Dick Pole as pitching coach is perhaps more important than getting rid of Dusty. 

Besides I always get a creepy feeling whenever "Dick Pole" is mentioned by the T.V. guys.

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