Center's Flatulence Blamed for Dallas Cowboys' Playoff Loss

Glenn Franco SimmonsAnalyst IJuly 24, 2009

DALLAS - NOVEMBER 22:  Quarterback Tony Romo #9 of the Dallas Cowboys celebrates a touchdown with teammate Andre Gurode #65 against the New York Jets in the second quarter at Texas Stadium November 22, 2007 in Irving, Texas.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

In a tragic but true tale, Tony Romo fans and Dallas diehards like me have learned the worst.

Andre Gurode's farts stink so bad that the CIA, which doesn't inform Congress of attempts to kill murderous terrorists, is studying their chemical composition in an effort to devise a gas weapon to be used against the Taliban.

The would-be weapon is not covered by international arms conventions that outlaw nerve gas, so Gurode will now fall under Secret Service protection.

The silent-but-very-very-deadly flatulence has now been officially blamed for the Dallas playoff loss against Seattle.

The shocking revelation hit international news wires on Thursday, but Google, Yahoo and Bing took it off their search engines.

My attempts at finding this breaking news story was therefore difficult, but like Maxwell Smart, I persevered.

The truth can finally be revealed as to why Romo got stuck with that very lucrative contract to serve as Super Glue's universal spokesman after the horrifically heartbreaking loss that left the boyish quarterback with the derogatory moniker of "Choker."

Here is what Romo was reported to have said, brought to us by the United Kingdom's royal media:

"Two years ago, when I fumbled that snap, it was so strong that both me and the holder almost lost our breath and two of our guards who were trying to keep the defense from getting to us, passed out cold.

"Now don't get me wrong, the man is a great center, but he's going to have to cut the gassy foods or shoot up some Beano before the game."

As for his role in the sticky situation, the center was reported to have said:

"I'm sure it must be bad back there. It's just that I get really excited before a big play or an all-important play and I just can't hold it in!

"Also, I want to take time to confess that I'm also the reason some of our running backs have went down while I was out front blocking and there was no tackle. They didn't lose their footing, they lost their breath!"

Finally, the mystery has been solved.

In the photo above, Dallas quarterback Romo and Gurode share a breather, and laugh like little kids as the official walked through the invisible inversion fart layer and passed out.

If you want to read the entire story in The, click this link.