Memphis, TN—Citing a lack of local interest, John Goodhew, owner of the Memphis City Maniacs fantasy football franchise, has stated solemnly that he has “no choice” but to re-locate the team to his buddy’s place in the suburbs.
His parents, his sister, and even his younger brother have professed to “not give a shit” about the Maniacs, despite Goodhew’s continuous talk about draft order and player statistics, and his savvy as an owner for stealing Drew Brees in the fourth round and opting for Owen Daniels instead of Alge Crumpler at tight end.
“We want to go where we’re appreciated.” Goodhew stated firmly. “At Billy’s place, he’s got a big screen TV, and our buddies come over all the time to talk football and explore trades and fantasy waiver options. They actually care about football. It’s a much better fit for the franchise.”
As always, money was a major factor in Goodhew’s decision.
He’s incensed that negotiations have stalled between him and his parents regarding the installation of a home entertainment centre and new computer in the basement, despite the $10 he won last season for coming in third in his league.
Citing a “full profit margin” last season, he approached local taxpayers about fronting the bill for a new, refinished basement complete with full bar and shag carpeting. He insists that the new setting could propel him into first place this season, bringing increased revenue and pride to the neighborhood.
Taxpayers didn’t see it his way. After being shouted down and laughed out of the town meeting, Goodhew had had enough.
“Apparently people don’t appreciate what this franchise means to the community or the revenue I’ve generated,” Goodhew lamented over a bowl of borscht. “The Maniacs are the face of this neighborhood, and as owner, I’m saddened and appalled at the lack of interest in this wonderful group of players I have assembled. They’ll be sorry when we’re gone.”
Billy Thompson, who owns the basement the Maniacs may soon be playing out of, is excited to have them. “They’re a decent team, and since I’m doing John a favour, I should be able to pilfer a lopsided trade or two from him through sheer obligation and guilt. And he’s going to be buying the beer from here on out. It’s a wonderful move for both of us.”
Goodwin and Goodhew are currently negotiating a five-year lease that will keep the Maniacs in Goodwin’s basement through 2014. Terms of the lease have yet to be finalized.