I Celebrated My 50th by Telling Myself, "Quit Your Whining and Get to Writing"

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I Celebrated My 50th by Telling Myself,
(Photo by Rick Stewart/Getty Images)

I’ve written technical manuals, technical bulletins, and office memos which are devoid of opinion or humor. Since joining B/R I have written more for myself in the last nine months than I have in the previous 49 years.

It’s been a joy to write and comment on my favorite subject—sports.

For the 50th article I thought it should be special. It should be in-depth and well-researched. I should break out the slide rule and use a bunch of statistics.

Where to begin? Which sport? What subject?

Then I thought, "I haven’t wrote one of those yet, not once in the past 49 articles so what makes you think your going to write one now?"

My internal voice said, "Quit your whining and get to writing."

My writing has been cathartic. I have purged some demons. I also gave the voices in my head an actual written outlet.

Now, not only do I get to laugh at my own internal jokes, I have some real people laughing at those jokes too.

My wife tuned me out long ago; failed comic indeed.

My college-aged kids have asked me to stop spamming my article links to their Facebook pages; they’ve heard all my jokes, more than once.

My mother is ecstatic that I’m writing—in her mind I’ll be the next great American novelist; aspirations only a mother can have for her children.

But here, on B/R, I have a whole new audience.

I know it’s only a matter of time before my fans start turning away and rolling their eyes, but until then I shall relish in my new found vocal freedom. At least when they start rolling their eyes at me on B/R it’s not to my face.

Unfortunately, some of those fans have learned how to use the “Block User” button on me but I’ll name no names.

As I mentioned my wife ignores me most of the time but she did notice when I started writing here on Bleacher Report. She got jealous and swore I was having an online affair.

In a way she is correct. It’s a love of the written word and how I can manipulate those words.

I do have a mistress and her name is "Thesaurus."

Don’t worry; my marriage is intact as I love my wife as much as she loves me back. Besides, Thesaurus doesn’t laugh at my jokes either.

So my 50th article seemed like it ought to be a milestone. I should mark it well because I’ll only pass this way once.

It’s kind of like those historic markers that you see on the side of the road. You’ve seen those markers. They always read something like:

"George Washington stopped and slept here while on his way to Ticonderoga."

In my case it’ll read more like:

"Glenn Card stopped here to give his scooter a rest. He ate his peanut butter and fluff sandwich and then moved on."

I give no advice to the newer writers. I won’t be complaining about what B/R should or should not be doing.

No chastising the trolls. No hand-holding for the struggling authors.

This article is all about me and my 50th.

I know that sounds selfish but I’ve been kind to other online writers and my mother would be pleased. I also have been abrasive a time or two and for that she prays for me everyday.

I’m glad to be writing here, it gives me a venue for my fluff thoughts on sports.

So this is my 50th and I’m proud that I refrained from whining. To get this far you have to keep on writing.

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