My Phone Call To Brian Cashman

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My Phone Call To Brian Cashman
(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

Cashman: "Hello, Brian Cashman."

Keith: "Hey Brian, this is Keith."
"Keith!  How is my favorite semi-famous blogger?"
"I'm good Cash.  How are you?"
"The Yankees are tied for first place so I'm great!  Hey, you told me last week that you were staying in a hotel room right next to Erin Andrews.  Did you get a chance to see her?"
"Uh, yeah.  I, uh, saw her.  She was quite...revealing.  Which reminds me, I'm probably going to need you to help me find a lawyer—but that's not why I called.  As a fan of the New York Yankees there's something I can't quite understand, and since you're the general manager, naturally I feel I ought to ask you?"
"Sure, buddy.  What's up?"
"Why aren't we trying to trade for Roy Halladay, whom last I checked, was the best pitcher in the solar system?"
"Keith, what did I tell you about reading the New York Post, huh?  I mean The National Enquirer has more credibility than they do!"
"Yeah, that's true but that Kevin Kernan article from last week got me thinking...Why the hell not?  And I'll tell you why I'm bothered by your reluctance to pursue the best pitcher in baseball, in fact I can neatly sum it up in two words: Johan Santana."
"I knew you were going to bring him up.  Look, I made a mistake.  I should've got Santana from the Twins, especially since they only wanted three players, Melky Cabrera, Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy.  This Halladay thingI mean its intriguingbut do I really want to give up FOUR players?  I say no. That's a bit much, even for the best pitcher in the solar system.  Have you checked the standings? We're tied for first place!!!"
"Fools gold my friend.  Fools gold.  We're in first place because we're playing in Coors Field East, the single most homer-friendly ballpark in baseball.  I mean, did you see that home run Alex Rodriquez hit off of Justin Verlander on Sunday?  In 99.9% of the stadiums in Major League Baseball, that's a harmless pop fly.  In the new Yankee Stadium, it's a home-run.  Even A-Rod was embarrassed by it!  The reality is that this Yankee team, which unsurprisingly leads the league in homers, is a collection of the same swing-for-the-fences type of guys that we had in 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007.  They will hit a ton of homers but come October, they WILL be done in because of pitching."
"Well, I avoided this conversation with the media but I'll get into it with you now.  Those are all valid points Keith, but this team is the best hitting team in the league and to blame it on our new ballpark is a bit unfair.  Not only do we lead the league in homers, we also lead the league in other categories. As you know, I'm a numbers guy, so here's some numbers to ponder:  Even after missing out on A-Rod for a month, we still lead the American League in runs, total bases, RBI, walks, and slugging percentage. Are you really blaming all of that on our new ballpark?  As far as pitching is concerned, well, CC Sabathia has had his moments, so has Andy Pettitte. Joba Chamberlain is still a work in progress, Phil Hughes looks good coming out of the bullpen, and Chien Mien Wang has been...
"AWFUL BRIAN!  WANG HAS BEEN GODAWFUL!!!  It sounds like he's out for the year, and you know what?  He won't be missed!  It's never a good thing when your no. 2 pitcher has an ERA that looks like my social security number!  This is the exact reason why it's not going to happen for us this year. Our pitching is suspect.  Sabathia's been ok but Pettitte just turned 37 and he's (gulp) our second best postseason pitcher.  I mean, I like A.J. Burnett but he hasn't shown us anything in the postseason yet. All I'm saying is we got burned two years ago.  Now we have a chance to make amends...You don't want Halladay to go to Boston do you?"
"Of course not!  I think they're bluffing anyway.  It's likely he's going to Philadelphia."
"But the Yankees of old would NEVER allow this.  George Steinbrenner would've snatched Halladay up so quick that it would've made everybody's head spin."
"That may be true but his sons Hal and Hank are the heirs to the throne.  They instinctively know what they're doing and pretty soon you, the media, and the fans will recognize what great owners Hal and Hank Steinbrenner are!  They're destined to be recognized as one of the great famous sons of recent memory, right beside James Dolan, Freddie Prinze Jr., and George W. Bush.  Ok...maybe that wasn't the best example, but you have to respect where I'm coming from.  The Toronto Blue Jays are going to probably want Robinson Cano or Melky Cabrera, definitely Joba, our promising catcher Francisco Cervilli AND another guy from the minors!"
"You should tell those guys to pack their bags and that Toronto is lovely this time of the year. Again, we've been here before. Two years ago you thought Hughes and Ian Kennedy were untrade-able.  They won zero games that year.  Then you realized the mistake you made and went after Sabathia with an offer that included $161 million and a part ownership of IHOP.  I don't think you understand what a truly awful decision that was.  Kennedy and Hughes were so terrible that I, out of seething anger, went on a statewide killing spree.  I was like the Son of Sam.  And if you don't believe me then google Ian Kennedy, starting rotation, and unsolved murders!"
"Surely you can't be serious."
"I am serious.  And don't call me surely."
"Well I'm telling you that it's not going to happen.  We would love to have Roy Halladay but the price isn't right."
"DAMN IT BRIAN!  THIS IS A TERRIBLE, GUTLESS DECISION!  YOU KNOW YOU REALLY SUCK WHEN IT COMES TO PICKING PITCHERS!  JARET WRIGHT?  JOSE CONTRERAS?  CARL PAVANO?  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING???"
"DAMN IT KEITH!  YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!?"
"I'M OUT OF ORDER?  YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE DAMN TEAM IS OUT OF ORDER!!  FRANKLY I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
"Do you spend all of your time watching movies?"
"Oh...Sorry."
"And you'll be pleased to know that I do have an ace in the bag."
"Who?"
"I've been getting reports from Scranton/Wilkes-Barre that Kei Igawa is looking great.  I can always bring him back."
*click*
"Hello?  Keith?  Are you there?"
Operator: "If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again."
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