I told you there would be a shake-up.
Okay, maybe I didn't tell you, but I implied it by saying I'd keep the wild card standings in mind starting this week.
I thought to myself at one point last week, how much could these standings really change with only a few games being played since the last groupings came out?
You might be wondering the same thing, but trust me, there's been plenty of change.
My theme this week does nothing but make small wisecracks about every team, good or not.
Welcome to the Disaster Zone
Baltimore, Cleveland, Kansas City, Oakland, Washington, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Arizona
Baltimore really mucked it up on Monday night getting two players thrown out at home plate. This putdown makes itself.
Cleveland and Kansas City are in what Cleveland papers are calling "The Race out of the Basement." I have a feeling both teams are going to hit their heads multiple times on the jut-out ceiling part and fall down the steps before they ever reach the top.
I can't make fun of a team that just had a 10-run comeback. Oakland, you survive.
I got a good one built up for Washington if you are ready. Ready? They are the Nationals! Get it? I kill myself!
I've already taken pity on one team, so I can't really do it with the Pirates, even though I want to. If not for Garrett Jones, though, they'd be in even more trouble.
The Padres finished 21 games out of first place last year at the end of the season. This season, they are already 22 games out of first place.
Arizona is 20 games out; that's even worse if you ask me. Why? Well, you're only two games better than the Padres, and that isn’t saying much.
Teetering on the Brink of Disaster
I need to be serious about Toronto for one second. This team is dangerously close to having the most epic midseason collapse I've witnessed.
Because the Yankees and Red Sox lead the division together, one is the wild card. So with one being the wild card, the Jays are an equal amount away from both the division and the wild card. I consider 10 games to be the danger zone, and they are teetering right on that line.
Cincinnati, New York Mets
Whoa! This place went from being the most happening place to being a ghost town. I almost eliminated everyone here, but Cincinnati to me isn't quite on that disaster line, but they certainly are also not in the middle. The Mets are holding on to wild card dreams, or else they'd be almost toast.
The Mets' disabled list. That's the joke. Really, it is.
A joke about the Reds? I really have nothing, which leads me to believe this theme was a mistake.
I like the middle, where the center is warm.
Tampa Bay, Chicago White Sox, Minnesota, Seattle, Atlanta, Florida, Houston
So the hard-charging Rays used to be the Nationals. I could have just said ha, it's the Devil Rays, and you'd laugh at my clever use of their situation. Now it's not so easy, so I'm just going to pass rather than make fun of Joe Maddon's glasses.
Ozzie Guillen's jokes are better than mine. I'll pass at the expense of him making fun of me, even though he doesn't read this column. Or does he? No, he doesn't.
On a side note, is it any surprise Guillen was the first name I punched in to find an image? The first picture was of him laughing too.
I'm continuing the run of my cop-outs, as I have sympathy for the Twins for losing the game on a blown call Monday night. Can I technically have sympathy for two teams in the same game, especially when one of them won the game?
In all seriousness, Minnesota and Chicago have snuck up to Detroit, and things are about to get interesting in the AL Central.
This isn't a wisecrack, but it's funny to me. Indians television announcer Matt Underwood said he saw Ichiro and Ken Griffey Jr. goofing around before a game last weekend. Now I knew Griffey and Ichiro have bonded and Junior has gotten Ichiro to come out of his shell a little. But Griffey physically tackling the hit king and whaling on him as if he was his little brother? I need a video of this.
I'm scared of Tommy Hanson's pitches; they frighten me in my dreams. I did mention these little jokes didn't have to be about the teams, right? I did now.
Most people thought my pick of Florida to win the NL East was a joke. Well, maybe, but at least they are still alive.
Houston makes me want to stop this theme, because they've discouraged me long enough to not think of anything. I could just scream something like EL CABALLO! That would make me a SportsCenter anchor.
In it to win it.
New York Yankees, Detroit, Texas, Chicago Cubs, Milwaukee, Colorado, San Francisco
Did you see how excited Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, and Melky Cabrera got about Hideki Matsui throwing his helmet off after he hit the walk-off home run?
Hey Detroit, you guys better wake up. Did Jim Leyland take the All-Star break to do what he actually said he was going to do? And if so, did he like, wake up? WAKE UP!
I've been saving this one up. Texas' joke is their home ballpark. Cue the rim shot!
I need to be serious about one team once in a while, and Chicago is that team. All of a sudden, they are in second place and just two games back. Despite the comedy that was Ted Lilly's performance on Monday, the Cubs are playing well.
The Brewers are in the same position as the Astros, but they are in a better group. What's this mean? Well, it means I have more faith in Milwaukee. Wow, I hope I don't pay for that statement.
If I said Colorado is leading the NL Wild Card race a few months ago, that would have been funny. Now? Not so much.
Kung Fu Panda always gets a few chuckles. So I might as well utilize it, right?
Here we are, where we should be.
Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles Angels, St. Louis, Los Angeles Dodgers
Times have changed, but there really wasn't much to laugh about the Red Sox a few months ago either. Unless of course you looked at David Ortiz's home run total. I've probably exploited that several times too much.
If there's one thing I've learned over my life span, it's to not screw around with a team that has won nine straight games, especially one that has Chase Utley. Why Utley? Why not, I say.
I really have nothing to say about a team that acquired a player like Mark DeRosa and saw him almost immediately hit the disabled list. That's a cruel joke itself.
The easy way here would be to talk about Manny Ramirez, but I'm not going to do it. I'd rather say nothing at all. It's that or joke about how they're still 15 years ahead of every other team in their division.
*All statistics, standings, and opinions were based off their states going into action on July 21.