Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment.
The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic.
I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise.
Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg.
Steven "more dives than Glasgow" Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande.
Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4.
As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney.
A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard.
Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday.
Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem—he sent me a text that read, "gbvsdfabdsb."
Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano.
Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, I’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee.
I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area.
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8 months ago
Funny as always mate but Rangers are in the 'pound seat' :P
Hope you can come up with something else to write about during the off season. Cheers mate
8 months ago
Nice one Andrew, thanks.
6 months ago
u a pro comedian mate? cos this is pure gold
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