Fight Of The Century: Shaq Vs. Lesnar

So you are sitting in front of your television and you see UFC fighter Brock Lesnar pummeling another opponent into submission. 

Do you ever think to yourself, “Man, I never want to meet a guy like that in a dark alley?”  Come on.  You can admit it.  It’s OK.  The man beats people senseless for a living, who wouldn’t be scared?

Well, Shaquille O’Neal apparently.

According to Dana White, CEO of the UFC, Shaq has been twittering sweet nothings to White about fighting the Heavyweight Champion.  White also said that Shaq is the most MMA-ready out of all the NBA players, citing his training in boxing, jiu-jitsu, Muay Thai and wrestling at Gracie’s Gym.

Now in reality, it will probably never happen (unless Shaq suddenly became DESPERATE for money), but you can never squash a dream. 

If O’Neal and Lesnar were face-to-face in the octagon, who would come out on top?

Here is the Tale of the Tape:

Brock Lesnar

Height — 6’3"

Weight — 265 lb

Reach — 81 inches

Scouting report — good striker, good ground game, dominated fake wrestling

Shaquille O’Neal

Height — 7’1"

Weight — 325 lb

Reach — 91 inches

Scouting Report — literally an immovable object, unbelievable strength and agility for size, can make nicknames appear out of thin air.

Round 1:

The opening bell rings and both fighters meet at the center of the ring.  Lesnar attempts a variety of punches to soften up the Big Man.  Unfortunately, after years of getting elbows, knees, and fists in the paint, O’Neal is impervious to the barrage of punches.

Lesnar thinks better and attempts to quickly take down O’Neal to the mat.  As Lesnar grabs for O’Neal’s legs and hangs on for dear life, O’Neal drops on top of Lesnar.  After all, 325 pounds of muscle is not just for show.

Lesnar shows his ground technique and is able to successfully guard against O’Neal’s punches and elbows.  Shaq is unable to capitalize on top of Lesnar as the first round closes.

Round 2:

Lesnar comes out in a fury, trying to land any sort of contact that he can.  O’Neal does his best to block and counter, but the speedier Lesnar is getting the better of the exchange. In an act of desperation, Shaq lunges forward to try and fall on top of Lesnar again, but is caught with a vicious right hook and goes down.

Seeing O’Neal go down, Lesnar pounces on O’Neal hoping to get the TKO.  Out of nowhere, Kurt Angle appears with a steel chair in the octagon and slams Lesnar in the back. 

At first, Lesnar goes down, apparently knocked out, but then he realizes this isn’t the WWE anymore, gets up promptly, and wails on a helpless Kurt Angle.

O’Neal, fully recovered, channels some of his Shaq-Fu moves and gives Lesnar a karate chop while he is busy with Angle.  The referee, confused, awards O’Neal the victory, crowning him the Shaqyweight Champion of the World.

Man, is it just me, or do you want to jump off a ladder and give somebody a flying elbow?