Rory McIlroy (-17) Wins British Open

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Tag. He's It at the Open

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Tag. He's It at the Open
(Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

Shhhhhhh. I’ve got PGATour.com minimized here at work, keeping the British Open leaderboard—oh, I’m sorry, The Open leaderboard—within easy eyeballing.

Come to think of it, I’m fairly sure the golf gods smile upon such covert activity.

In any case, it’s the first day of the championship, so of course there are names riding high on the board that could just as easily be the UPS delivery guy as a professional golfer.

Wait, scratch that. My UPS guy is named Thomas. Some of the names on the leader board come straight from central casting on The Young and the Restless.

As I write this, Tag Ridings is in the driver’s seat. Tag. Ridings.

TAG. What the … ?

Hey, I know it’s just a game, but come on. What’s the middle name, Kerplunk?

I’m looking over the field and I’m seeing some very, uh, interesting names.

Bo. Johnson (as a first name). Cliff. Colt. Heath. Leif…which gives me the sudden urge to break into an off-key rendition of “I Was Made for Dancin’.”

Mind you, these names have a small American flag next to them. We’re not talking golfers of the Semi-United Territories of Eastern Nauru.

I mean, I expect names like Retief, Jesper and Arjun as representatives of different world cultures.

Our American boys seem to be named after games, geographical drop-offs, pistols and candy bars.

Even Tiger isn’t your run-of-the-mill birth certificate offering.

I’m not complaining. Nor am I making fun.

Oh, all right, I am having a little fun at the expense of some PGA Tour Pros.

But I can’t help it! Running down the leaderboard, I can’t help but notice the colorful display of monikers. These names have more color than an autumn in Vermont!

Being Polish, I like to think I’m a bit more in tune with unique names. After all, the Polish aren’t known for their Smiths. We have a drought of vowels at times. Talk about some funny names.

I’m a bit too young to remember the fringe players back in the days when the players holding up the cups and jugs were named Ben and Arnold and Jack and Tom.

But those were some solid, All-American names there, boy, even when playing in the U.K.

Will the Tags and Colts of the Open golf scene fade? Will Leif turn over a new page and add a major to his resume? Stay tuned for more As the World Turnberrys…

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