Everybody knows him. He is the voice of the Major League Baseball Home Run Derby every year and the host of NFL Sunday Countdown on ESPN.
I am talking about none other than Chris Berman. He says some of the most outlandish things a person could ever hear, taking players’ names and twisting them into nonsense.
Love him or hate him, some of them are witty, and some of them are ridiculous.
Since I am a huge baseball fan above any other sport, I have rounded up my top 10 Chris Berman names for baseball players. Like most fans, some I find funny and others ridiculous.
10) David Supreme Court Justice
Justice was a great baseball player in his day. A member of the Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, New York Yankees, and Oakland Athletics, he hit 305 career home runs and knocked in 1,017 runs.
He has such a great name Berman had to make it into a corny nickname. It’s not like Justice is going to be on the Supreme Court. Well, maybe he could try his hand at it. What else is he doing right now?
9) Jeff pin the tail on the Bronkey
I know what you’re probably all wondering: Who is Jeff Bronkey?
Well, I had to find that out myself. He pitched for two years in the majors for the Atlanta Braves and Milwaukee Brewers. He had a lifetime record of 2-2 and recorded a measly 36 career strikeouts.
As much of a nobody as Bronkey is, the name Berman came up with is clever.
Maybe Bronkey can make a career entertaining children at birthday parties with games and call it “pin the tail on the Bronkey.” It might be a better career choice than pitching in the majors, anyway.
8) Harold Growing Baines
Baines enjoyed a great Major League Baseball career. He smacked a lifetime 384 home runs and came close to 3,000 hits, recording 2,866 in his 22-year career. His number is retired by the Chicago White Sox, a team he now coaches for.
So Harold...show me that smile, because your name was turned into a dorky nickname.
I have nothing but respect for Baines, because he enjoyed such a rich and fruitful career. Perhaps one day could even be in the Hall of Fame. But the nickname just isn’t cool. He is not Mike Seaver—he was better than Kirk Cameron; a great ballplayer.
7) Jay Ferris Buhner
“What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?” Whenever anyone mentions Buhner, I can only think of Frank Costanza yelling at George Steinbrenner on an episode of Seinfeld for trading Buhner from the Yankees to the Seattle Mariners.
I suppose the nickname is funny, but it would probably make more sense if his last name was Bueller, not Buhner. I get where Berman is coming from, referencing the great and hilarious movie with Matthew Broderick.
I love that movie, and Buhner should be proud that his name has been mentioned with it—even if the nickname doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
6) Jose can you see Canseco
I never liked Canseco. He is such a bum. He probably just should have been an actor and not an athlete.
After he admitted using steroids and named names in his book (Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, and Jason Giambi) he went on The Surreal Life and did guest spots on The Simpsons and Nash Bridges. He would have been better off doing television his whole life rather than outing himself in baseball.
As a Yankee loyalist, I never thought of him as a World Series Champion in 2000. It made me sick knowing he got a ring when he really did not deserve one.
As far as his nickname goes, just like Canseco, it stinks. Berman obviously borrowed the name from the first line of our National Anthem, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing putting Canseco’s name in the same line as the anthem of our great country.
5) Dave no man is an Eiland
“No man is an island entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent; a part of the main.”
Berman borrowed his nickname for former relief pitcher Dave Eiland from John Donne’s poem.
I recall learning in high school that the actual meaning of the line suggests that men cannot live isolated from each other, and when they do, they do not thrive.
Eiland really didn’t thrive in his MLB career, owning a career record of 12-27 over a span of 12 years. If you do the math, that’s only one win for every year he pitched in the majors.
Right now he serves at the helm of Yankee pitching, as he is their pitching coach. I swear, he needs to get fired from his position. The only reason he has his job is because he worked in the minor leagues with Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Joba Chamberlain. So far things haven’t gone as planned.
The more I hear Al Leiter and David Cone talk about pitching in the YES Network booth, the more I want one of them to come down and be the pitching coach, because Eiland is not good.
His nickname, however, is unique. I enjoyed learning that poem in my studies, and now whenever I think of it, I think of baseball.
4) Greg Mathe Maddux
This has got to be the lamest one on the list.
Maddux has won 355 games in his career, recorded 3,371 strikeouts, and is a surefire Hall of Famer. So I find it lame that Berman decided to change his name into my least favorite subject.
Maddux has so many other, better nicknames, including “The Professor” and the “Mad Dog.” When I think of Maddux, those two nicknames come to mind—not Berman’s terrible “mathematics” reference.
3) Scott Supercalifragilisticexpiala Brosius
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, this nickname kind of makes me smile.
Brosius was probably the best third baseman I’ve seen in my lifetime as a baseball fan. He could barehand the ball better than anyone in the game during his time, and he provided us fans with great memories.
I would say he made 1998 the most enjoyable time to be a Yankee fan, and he proved that when he won the World Series MVP Award.
Berman had to go and use a song from Mary Poppins to make up his little nickname for Brosius, but it doesn’t really matter to me.
Brosius will always be a great player—and if you say his last name loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious.
2) Albert Winnie the Pujols
Pujols is currently leading the National League in Home Runs with 32 and RBI with 87. Some people are even saying he could win the Triple Crown this year.
Recently at the Home Run Derby, Pujols and Berman actually talked about this nickname. Pujols said he didn’t mind being called by the alternate name.
I, for one, think it is stupid. I know a lot of other fans probably think it’s witty, but I am sorry; I don’t think it is witty at all.
It’s just a little childish to call the best hitter in the game a Disney cartoon character. Maybe I’m just thinking too much of it. Either way, it’s a little ridiculous.
1) Carlos daylight come and Delgado go home
This one (for some reason unbeknownst to me) just makes me crack up.
Delgado is currently on the disabled list but could maybe reach 500 lifetime home runs if he stays healthy for the rest of his career. The 37-year-old first baseman is currently sitting 27 long balls away from the milestone with 473.
Maybe I laugh at this nickname because it’s a reference to the “Banana Boat Song,” as made famous by Harry Belafonte.
In the movie Beetlejuice, the ghosts that haunt the house in the movie somehow make the people that actually live in the house dance to this song. It’s one of my favorite scenes in movie history. Perhaps that’s why I get a kick out of the nickname—who knows?
Well, there you have it. My Top 10 Chris Berman funny/ridiculous/pathetic nicknames for baseball players.
I’m sure most of you agree that these names are corny and dorky. They’re ridiculous, yes, but most of them are hysterical. It’s a guilty pleasure. Respect to Berman for coming up with these dumb names to mildly entertain us fans.
For the definitive list of goofy player names, visit: http://www.funny2.com/berman.htm.