(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)
Some of us baseball aficionados definitely need to get a life.
When we're not sitting around endlessly speculating on whether or not the Blue Jays are going to trade superstar pitcher Roy Halladay, we're sitting around figuring out ever more creative ways to waste time on the Great American Pastime.
What follows may be a winner—in terms of wasting time.
The concept—coming up with more macho nicknames for the Jays' first-round draft picks for the past 10 years—was spawned in direct opposition to the current trend of limp-wristed Jays monikers.
Aaron “Hillsy” Hill and Vernon “Wellsy” Wells come to mind.
Weak as water. Makes a man want to toss his cookies.
Hillsy and Wellsy are hockey-like nicknames, which are characterized by excessive flaccidity and blandness. Maybe it's because we're Canadian, eh?
Mark “Messy” Messier and Dale “Ducky” Hawerchuk are typical hockey monikers. It's as if “testosterone” has become a dirty word in our ultra-politically correct society.
Hockey nicknames of 50-60 years ago weren't nearly as timid. Consider the legendary Montreal Canadiens coach, Hector “Toe” Blake, for example.
Blake's powerful Habitants teams were greatly feared by a lot of Leafs fans. Some of them comforted themselves by ridiculing Blake. They claimed his nickname, Toe, sprung from an anti-social, reeking foot-odor issue.
In the early 1950s, there were a couple of Winnipeg (my hometown) NHLers with exceptionally appropriate nicknames: Bill “The Beast” Juzda and “Wild” Bill Ezinicki.
Bill “The Beast” Juzda was an animal. On the ice, he looked like a big, mean, hairy gorilla disguised as a white man.
Wild Bill Ezinicki may have been even worse. The opposition routinely referred to him as a “maniac” because he delighted in crippling people for life with one swing of his stick
Here's the new nickname list for the Blue Jays' first-round draft picks. If you can come up with something better, please comment.
2009—Chad “Judge” Jenkins
A right-handed pitcher, Jenkins attended Kennesaw State University. Baseball's first Commissioner (1920-1944) was a former American federal judge, Kenesaw Mountain Landis. You may have noticed that the “Kenesaw” spelling is slightly different.
Tough cheese.
2008—David “Magic” Cooper
First base, David Copperfield, er, Cooperfield, no, Cooper. You get the picture.
2007—J.P. “Cash” Arencibia
A catcher, Arencibia's moniker has less than nothing to do with his signing bonus. It's short for "Cashew." For some strange reason, the sound of Arencibia's name reminds me of a type of peanut, although it's not a cashew.
Had to substitute. Can't bring to mind the actual nut.
Originally, I was going to nickname him, "Peanut," but he's a big mother and he might not like it. I may have to meet him someday.
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