Wouldn't you have just loved to be a fly on the wall during Tuesday's courtesy call between Tony Stewart and Kyle Busch? Yeah, me too!
Since we'll never really know what actually transpired, I'd like to think it went a little something like this...
Note: The quotes in this article are fictional and a bit salacious, read at your own risk!
Ring, ring, ring, ring… (Kyle Busch’s answering machine picks up)
"Hey this is Kyle…I’m not here right now, but your momma is! Nah, I'm just messing with ya! Seriously, I really don't like you but if you must leave a message, I'll be nice and at least pretend to care. Wait for the beep."
Tony Stewart: Hey you horse-toothed jackass, it's Tony. Pick up, pick up!
Kyle Busch: (picks up the phone): Yeah, yeah, I’m here fat boy. What do you want?
TS: I just wanted to touch base and make sure that we’re cool after that whopper of a crash Saturday night. Get it? “Whopper?” I made a little joke. [Tony laughs]
KB: Yeah, hilarious. That's about the only thing about you that's little.
TS: Hey, a little respect here—I'm big boned, alright? Listen, I was just checking up on you, making sure you're still alive and all. You really kissed that wall hard, does your face still hurt?
KB: What? My face doesn’t hurt.
TS: Really? Because it’s killing me—gotcha! [Tony laughs] OK, in all seriousness, is your refrigerator running?
KB: Yeah, yeah…I know I better catch it, right?
KB: Another one of your dumb jokes.
TS: Ummm... sorry guy, you lost me. I was asking because mine is on the fritz and I need one pronto before my lifetime supply of Omaha steaks defrost!
KB: Look man, I got a cat to kick and some baby ducklings out back that I need to squash before they start crapping all over my lawn. So say what you need to say and stop beating around the bush!
TS: Good one!
KB: One what?
TS: Beating around the "Busch..."
KB: Oh, I get it. Busch, bush! That's funny!
TS: Moving on...Last time I saw you, you were stomping down the track crying like that character Ted from “There’s Something About Mary” after Mary chose Brett Favre over him.
You know the one, the same poor bastard who got his “frank and beans” caught in his zipper. MMMM…frank and beans.
KB: Crying? Who said I was crying?! I might have had a little something in my eye, but I was NOT crying!
Besides which, you don’t give a rat’s ass about what happened out there, so stop blowing “smoke” up my ass! Ah ha ha ha ha, zinger!! Who’s the funny one now, funnyman?
TS: Hey, speaking of ass, when was the last time you got some? I know, it was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper, after your evening “dump?”
KB: What did you just say to me? Did you just say “dump?” Just the thought of you dumping on me makes me so angry! Don’t do it, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!!!
TS: I don’t like you period, but that is beside the point. Don’t talk to me about being angry! I was enrolled in anger management classes long before you were even a twinkle in your daddy’s eye!
I taught you everything you know about being angry! I’m the original Gangsta of Gall, the Earl of Exasperation, the President of Petulance. Don’t make me pop a radiator cap in your ugly ass!
KB: Hey Chubs, who you calling ugly?
TS: I’m just saying, if ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
KB: Oh yeah? Well, you’re so fat, I heard last week in Daytona you were laying on the beach and Greenpeace showed up and tried to drag you back into the ocean.
TS: Well, you're so ugly, I heard that you went to a haunted house and came out with a job application.
KB: You’re so fat, I heard that you stepped on your dog's tail and had to change his name to Beaver.
TS: Lame! Not only are you ugly, you’re stupid! I bet you stared at the orange juice container all morning because it said "concentrate."
KB: You’re so fat, when people see you in that red firesuit they yell “Hey Kool-Aid!"
TS: Damn I thought you were ugly….until I met your mom.
KB: Don’t be talking about my momma like that, I will go all Rowdy on your ass!
TS: You're right, I crossed the line. I’m sure she’s probably a sweetheart. Quick question though, when you were a kid, did she tell you to go outside and play hide and go f@%k yourself?
KB: Ooh look, is that a Snickers?
TS: Snickers? What, where?! MMMM....Snickers!
KB: Truth be told, the crash wasn’t your fault at all. I carelessly set an open bag of sponsored M&M’s on the dash.
I drove hard into turn four and man, those things just went everywhere. But I thought it would be OK, since they have that thin candy shell.
TS: MMMM….M&M’s. Damn I lost my train of thought, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Kyle I think your brain has a thick candy shell!
KB: Your…your brain has the shell on it.
TS: Whatever. So we’re all good right? I can trust that you’ll do the right thing by telling the press that that last-lap accident was not my fault?
KB: You got it, buddy, you can count on me. Although I think they really should have black flagged your ass. Too bad they’d have to sew like 12 of them together to cover it!
TS: I mean it Kyle, I was really torn up about that. I haven’t been that upset since the Girl Scouts discontinued the Pecan Shortees.
After leaving the Media Center, I went on a serious eating binge to mask my pain. I ate a baby that night, a freaking baby, Kyle! I know that it’s the other, other white meat, but it just felt wrong.
KB: Wow man, all that time spent together at JGR and I had no idea you were so sensitive. Since we are being honest here, once I got back to my motor coach I did have a good, long cry. I have feelings, too, you know.
Hey, you gotta pinky swear, you’re not going to tell anyone are you? I’ll deny it if you do. Tell 'em that I got something in my eyes from that wreck that you caused.
TS: Awww…yeah, I know what you got in your eyes! Just say it, say it!! You got a little "Smoke" in your eyes, didn't ya! Hey Kyle, why don't you cry me a river, build yourself a bridge and get over it?!
KB: Eat me Stewart!
TS: Get in my belly!
Many thanks to David Yeazell for coming up with another great idea and letting me run with it!
Thanks to the movies "Austin Powers" and "Tommy Boy" for the play on a few of the quotes listed above.