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Ryan Mallet: The National Communists Against Athletes Strikes Again!

Double KAnalyst IMay 5, 2008

The NCAA denied Razorback QB Ryan Mallett's appeal for immediate eligibility ending months of speculation as to whether Mallett would be eligible or not for the 2008 season after transferring from an inferior institution up north where the only thing cool besides the weather are the football helmets. The Hog Tale intercepted this email supposedly from Mr. Mallett after word of his appeal being denied was released...

(I just can't get enough of this picture... back when college football was a clean game played by upstanding individuals... Long live The Boz!)

Dear NCAA Spineless Baby Doo-Doo Heads,

That's right. You heard me. You are all doo-doo heads. The Mallett is keeping his language clean because The Mallett don't want to be considered a foul mouth in front of The Mallett's thousands of adoring fans.

That's right. I just referred to myself in third person as The Mallett. You Humpty Humps got a problem with that? I didn't think so.

Here's a little story about doo-doo, because that's what you all are - doo-doo's. I have a new puppy in my house that pees and poops all over everything, and I had been rubbing her nose in it and scolding her so she would learn. Now, I'm just imagining that she is pissing and crapping on you and your stupid organization. So, now, I celebrate with her and reward her with a treat instead. She might be confused, and my apartment might smell like puppy urine and feces, but at least I don't have to live with myself after making horrible decisions like you just did.

I just want you to know that I hate you all. I hate everyone there that helped to make this ignorant decision. I am going to kill you all. Just kidding! Geez. Lighten up! I'm not that mad. Besides, if I did something like that, I would never ever get to win any of the three Heisman Trophies that are coming my way... so I'm going to hire someone to kill you all. Kidding again! It's called joking, people - check into it.

For now, I can only resort to anger, frustration, and childish name-calling. And that's what I'll do.
1) Anger: I was so angry this past weekend that I started throwing footballs a quarter mile each. No, make that a half mile each. Into the wind. With my left hand, because I hurt my right hand. I accidentally hit and killed a cow with one and now I have to buy it. I'm sending you donkey-butt smelling people the bill - count on it!
2) Frustration: I am so frustrated with the NCAA right now that I feel like I might start an affair with a trashy 15 year old country singer and start doing HGH and steroids and then deny it all in about 15 years after my tenth straight NFL MVP award.
3) Name-calling: Well, you already know that your decision stinks. It stinks like a bloodied, dead skunk carcass sitting on the side of the road. You have already seen my name-calling wrath earlier in this letter and I know you don't want anymore, you rotten-meat-sitting-in-my-trash-can-for-too-long pigs.

Whenever I break numerous NCAA records, I will not allow you to put my name in your record books. I don't want it. I just hope you all can live with yourselves after such an injustice.
Communists! Bin Laden lovers! Britney Spears fans!

I hope you all step on a crack and break your mother's back.
Warmest Regards - not!

Future three-time Heisman trophy winner
"The Mallett"

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