BREAKING NEWS: WWE Creative Team Diagnosed with ADHD (Satire)

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BREAKING NEWS: WWE Creative Team Diagnosed with ADHD (Satire)

It has been confirmed that the members of the WWE creative team are undergoing tests concerning their mental health.

After several complaints from members of the WWE Universe regarding the current program quality, a medical team were sent to WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Conn. to evaluate the mental condition of the WWE writers.

The news was brought to light after an e-mail regarding the issue was leaked yesterday, between Vince McMahon and a mental health official.

 

The situation initially came as a shock to McMahon, Chairman of WWE, but now, according to a spokesperson, he is “eager to resolve the issue, and aid the mental health workers to the best of his ability.”

 

Initial tests suggest the diagnosis of ADHD-I (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder type I), whose symptoms include; lacking attention to detail, having trouble paying attention to tasks, not listening when spoken to directly, avoiding tasks that take a lot of mental effort, losing things needed for tasks and activities, and being easily distracted and impulsive.

 

Although not all these symptoms are always present, a sufferer will usually exhibit most of them.

 

McMahon has been in regular contact with the health team, and requested reasoning behind the suggested diagnosis of ADHD-I.

 

The response from the official in the leaked e-mail, who cannot be named for legal reasons, goes into detail about how the condition was diagnosed, and what evidence was used to support this conclusion:

 

“To evaluate your employees we began assessing the storylines produced by them in recent months, and it was soon apparent that several symptoms of ADHD-I were present in the majority of them."

 

Most of your creative team have trouble concentrating on tasks.

 

The recent activities of Legacy are testament to this. The main stable in the business should be portrayed as a powerful entity, yet week after week they contradict this aim by relying far too heavily on the numbers game, and exhibiting acts of cowardice.

 

Randy Orton begging to Mark Henry for mercy is something I never wish to see again and is not the type of behaviour we should be seeing from him if Legacy is to become a real force on RAW.

 

Randy Orton’s WWE Championship reign has also become farcical, as not only did he lose the title quite pathetically to Batista, he then constantly relies on the assistance of Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase to retain it.

 

If they want him to be champion, let him act like one.

 

Writers also fail to see the need to give Cody and Ted tag team gold, which would further assert the dominance of the faction.

 

A number of the writers lack attention to detail in their work. For example, many of the feuds between wrestlers in the past year have lacked any motivation for a confrontation.

 

Dave Kapoor (Ranjin Singh) appears to be the worst affected, as he was apparently the brains behind the feuds between Mike Knox and Rey Mysterio, Chris Jericho and anyone over the age of 50, and most recently the returning Kane’s attacking of his on-screen colleague The Great Khali.

 

Kapoor apparently didn’t feel the need to include specific motivations in the storylines, and even went as far as instructing Mike Knox to say outright he didn’t know why he was attacking Mysterio.

 

He is indeed a sick man.

 

During some tests it was observed that many of the writers would misplace objects required for tasks we set them.

 

Some doctors then analysed their writing over recent months, and noticed that they would completely forget about some of the wrestlers they had on their rosters.

Gregory Helms made a return a few months back, and after all the effort put in to build a decent come-back he seems to have been misplaced by some of your writers.

 

He is not the only one either; Ezekiel Jackson, Chavo Guerrero, Ku Fu Naki, Beth Phoenix, Santino Marella, and many others seem to have been left out of storylines for varying lengths of time.

 

Agreeably, some of these wrestlers are easier to mislay than others, but keeping Ku Fu Naki out of a storyline is inexcusable.

 

Several senior writers appear to avoid any storylines that either involves a substantial amount of time or effort. Most matches at pay-per-views are either carbon copies of the last pay-per-view, or completely new rivalries, that are seemingly plucked out of thin air.

 

You yourself are not helping matters, Mr McMahon, as you usually only allow three to four weeks between successive pay-per-views.

 

You might expect that some writers could handle this sort of time frame, and plan things in advance with thought and direction. But anyone with ADHD will soon take the easy road, using the frequent pay-per-views as an excuse to end half-baked storylines, and begin a whole new batch.

 

Most ADHD-I sufferers usually don’t listen when spoken to directly either. The result of the most recent Money in the Bank match suggests that some of you writers just don’t care what their fans want, and insist on favouring shock value over popular results.

 

There are some matches that you must throw the other way, just so the fans don’t get everything they want, but Money in the Bank is one you just shouldn’t mess with.

 

At first, CM Punk’s second win of the briefcase divided fans. After witnessing this will-he-

won’t-he heel turn that followed the cash-in, I don’t think we are in any doubt that the writers should have just given the fans what they wanted.

 

The fact the writers persist on neglecting the tag team and women’s divisions, whilst continually forgetting the US and Intercontinental titles also suggests they don’t listen to their fans.

 

It doesn’t take much searching of fan forums to realise this is what they want, so why not just give it to them.

 

The most damning symptom we have witnessed, though, is how easily distracted and impulsive your writers are.

 

Look at the way the world titles have been thrown around lately. Writers get bored seeing the strap on the same wrestler for more than a month, so feel the need to constantly change them around.

 

It has left your fans utterly confused.

 

A title change every couple of months or so can’t hurt, but they are currently being tossed around like hotcakes, it’s all a little dizzying. They also seem to have trouble keeping tag teams together.

 

Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase are seemingly on the brink of a split, as are Carlito and Primo, but for what reason?

 

Your rosters, Mr McMahon, are in dire need of more tag teams, so why are your writers splitting them up? It seems the only explanation is their sporadic behaviour due to ADHD. There is no logic behind these actions, merely the excitement of doing something different.

 

It appears the writers also get uninterested with pay-per-view names very quickly; it’s uncommon to see one remain the same for two consecutive years. WWE The Bash, WWE Breaking Point, WWE Hell In A Cell, are all examples of re-branded pay-per-view names over the past year.

 

One health worker obtained a scrap of paper from Christopher DeJoseph, a RAW writer, in which he planned on re-branding SummerSlam as WWE It’s A Bit Warm And We Fancy A Fight, Survivor Series as WWE Don’t Fall On Your Ass, and WrestleMania as WWE WrestleOrgy.

 

He had, however, crossed out the last suggestion, perhaps fearing the beating he might receive for even suggesting something non-PG.

 

Your writers also seem to have completely forgotten about this year’s draft, as they decided to implement an exchange of superstars last week completely out of the blue.

 

If you want the draft to have any credibility you are going to have to make it concrete. Your writers feel that by mixing the rosters up every two weeks will somehow rejuvenate their lacklustre storylines, but it doesn’t.

 

I realise that after a while the feuds get stale, as the roster size isn’t what it used to be (again, not helped by you, Mr McMahon, as you fire half of them every other month), but the solution isn’t to keep making the rosters look like they’ve been hit by a tornado.

 

Take time over feuds, build them right, and don’t exhaust all your options too soon by having everyone fight everyone else within the first 30 seconds of them being on the roster.

 

As you can see, Mr McMahon, there is plenty of evidence to support the symptoms of ADHD-I. I suggest immediate treatment, and a complete overhaul of your creative team.”


No response was supplied in the e-mail, but one can only imagine Mr McMahon and the WWE Directors will have little room to dispute this prognosis. It is hard to understand how this problem has gone unnoticed for so long, as recent storylines are not too dissimilar from those we have seen in the past decade.

 

What is even more boggling is that the entire creative team seem to be affected by the

condition.

 

It has been suggested that the creative team must have experienced massive trauma, perhaps, in the opinion of many, the ending of the Attitude Era. Many fans refuse to let the Attitude Era go, and insist on blaming some bad bookings purely on the WWE’s PG rating.

 

The colossal task of attempting to follow up the Attitude Era from a creative standpoint must have been too much for the writers, who must have cracked under the pressure.

 

Rumors are now circulating that writers from an online forum named Bleacher Report are being hired as the interim creative team.

 

Mr. McMahon has been a fan of their work for a while now, reading several pieces of their work every day. They usually write much better storylines than his team too, and always know what is best for the company.

 

Surely the WWE can only get better with them at the helm...


Jev Thorpe Inc. cannot be held responsible for the content of this media. All events are fictional and must be treated accordingly.

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